What the Reaper Says - Chapter 5: "I'M SORRY."

Ren stayed home for the next few days, not moving from her bed. She didn’t get up, the only movement she had been making was her sometimes getting up carefully and checking her bruise on the reflection. 

On the first day, the bruise was dangerously bordering on a dark purple to black, a huge contrast to her tanned skin. It hurt for her to keep her crop top on, but she hated the feeling of not having it on - since she had grown used to it on, so she only took it off when she was in the shower.

Taking showers was the hardest - she had to be careful and just hope that it would die down. Thankfully, Rika had the conscience to make food for herself and not bother Ren, even opening the door and giving her plates of food as if she was silently apologizing for what she had done. 

On the fourth day, however, the edges were starting to become yellow, although the centre was still a deep purple. Ren couldn’t exactly move as much as she wanted to, her movements still sluggish and slow as the blood tissues took their time to heal. 

A few more days passed, with insistent calls from the school to Rika, who impatiently explained that Ren had hurt herself severely and needed time to recover.

Ren noticed her skin being paler, almost thin, but didn’t think much of it.

‘At least she has a conscience,’ she thought as she sat up from the bed, hissing in pain as a sharp pain coursed through her whole body, making it feel like she was simultaneously being set on fire and stabbed. She tried to get up, letting out a shout of pain when her legs gave way and made her fall, curling up on the floor and taking ragged breaths to calm herself down.

‘..I wonder if Kazuha is wondering where I am,’ that small voice whispered, and she whimpered in pain again as she sat up, using the pain as a leverage to forget what her mind was telling her. 

‘One.. two..’

A sharp scream as she tried to get up, only to fall back down and clutch her ribs. At the sound, Rika came running in, her eyes widening at the sight with fear and slight anger in them. “What are you trying to do?!” she yelled, crouching down next to her kid and helping up the thirteen year old. Her once long hair that went down to her hair was now up to her shoulders, but Ren was in too much pain to notice the minor change. Rika carefully wrapped her arm around Ren’s shoulders, letting her adjust to the feeling of being upright before slowly walking her. “Just tell me where you want to go - I’ll take you there.”

‘Her voice.. Why’s it so gentle?’ 

“..I want to take a shower.” Ren whispered, blinking back tears at her pathetic state. She didn’t need her guardian to help her, she never relied on Rika. But.. she had no choice now.

“..I’m sorry.” Rika gritted out as she led Ren to the bathroom carefully, her green eyes flickering to the girl before looking away. “..I got too carried away.”

‘What..?’

“..It’s fine–”

“It’s not fine.” the older woman hissed, rolling her eyes. “I was angry, and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have.”

‘Something’s different.. She never apologizes.’

“Why–”

“Just take the apology and shut up,” she growled, helping Ren into the bathroom before seating her on the toilet. “Stay here, I’ll be back.”

Ren watched as the brown haired woman left, letting her hands work on slowly removing her clothes. The fabric brushed against her body, pressing her crop top to the bruise, and she winced in pain. She let her shirt fall to the ground, looking down at her chest before hesitantly taking off her crop top. 

The bruise was an ugly mix of brown and yellow, her body felt so stiff and she felt like an imprisoned marionette with no control over herself. She stood up slightly, turning her upper body to go to the sink.

A sharp sting went up her spine, almost making her double over.

“AGH, FU–”

“REN!” Rika yelled as she put the clothes that she got for Ren on the rack before running over and catching the girl, grimacing as Ren let out another pained yell. 

“Shit, I’m so sorry..” Rika muttered again, easing the girl to lean on the sink before wincing at the sight of the bruise.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” she murmured quietly, and Ren almost had the mind to let out a scoff, catching her tongue at the last moment and settling with a nod.

‘You’re the person that created this bruise.’

“I can shower myself.” Ren said firmly once Rika pulled away, and the older woman’s eyebrows furrowed before sighing and nodding. “Um.. alright. But.. I’ll be outside if you need me.”

“..thanks.”

After the shower, Ren walked out with the new set of clothes, looking around for Rika. She was conflicted and confused, her head swarming with thoughts.

‘Why is she acting so nice? It’s.. kind of scary. I don’t know if she’s going to hurt me even more or not.’

‘But..’

Her thoughts were interrupted when her eyes landed on a prescription bottle sitting idly on the kitchen table, looking brand new. She raised an eyebrow before carefully walking toward it, fingers reaching out to grab the bottle. Her purple gaze swept over the information, eyebrows furrowing.

“On..dan..setron? Ondansetron… What is that? Oh.. Rika Tsuyuri.. Did she go to the hospital recently?” 

And then she saw a paper peeking out from under the sugar and coffee jar, walking over to it. A sense of dread filled her chest, and her breath hitched when she carefully pulled out the paper, scanning the document. “..malignant..? Tumor.. Lab results coming out.. Positive…”

She paused, her breath hitching. 

“Tsuyuri Rika is diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.”

Her heart raced. Did that explain the reason why Rika had cut her hair, she looked thinner and was being more nice?

‘But.. she didn’t look..’

Those tired eyes.

‘I.. why? Now..’

The body that looked like it barely had any flesh in those bones.

Ren took in a shaky breath, putting the medicine bottle down before stiffening when she heard something drop.

“..You..” Rika’s shaky voice filled the air, and Ren turned around. “I’m sorry, I–”

“No. I don’t want to hear you apologize.”

“But–”

“Just.. don’t. I don’t want your pity.”

‘Gomenne..’ she whispered in her mind. ‘I’m sorry.. I hated you.. Gomenne..’

“..how long have you known?” she whispered, watching as the light from the setting sun came through the windows and reflected on Rika’s face, painting the ghostly pale skin a soothing orange, as if it would take away the news that had just been revealed. 

“..I went to the hospital because I was losing hair.. My.. date told me..” she trailed off, and Ren’s eyes widened. 

“Is that why..?”

“I’m sorry. I know that–”

“It’s not your–”

“It is.” Rika’s voice was final, not accepting any more arguments although the coughs that wracked her body were contradicting her tone. But now, there was no point in sugarcoating what she had done to Ren.

The room fell into a silence, oppressive and uncomfortable with unspoken words and secrets laid bare between them.

“..I have to quit my job.” Rika murmured. “Don’t worry, I’ll try to find a stay-at-home job while I still can until it gets severe.”

‘Let her do it,’ Her brain chanted, almost swallowing up the whole entirety of her mind. ‘Let her experience what you had to do, with more pressure. Let her reap what she had sowed.’

‘But.. she’s still someone that took care of me..’

“I'll.. find a job.” Ren gritted out, her throat threatening to close up on her. Rika immediately shook her head, using the wall to lean on as she caught her breath. Ren finally noticed how sluggish her movements were, and she couldn't help but feel guilty for not noticing, for being too preoccupied in her own pain. “No.. it's fine,” Rika muttered back, coughing weakly. “You have school. Don't..” become like me, she wanted to say, but decided not to. 

-

“Hey, Ren.” Kazuha gave her a small smile, noticing the way her face was drawn in a pensive way. He frowned slightly, but didn't press on. 

But soon enough, the silence became oppressive, an unfamiliar feeling between the two of them. “..you didn't come to school on Monday,” he said gently, nudging her slightly. Ren jolted slightly, wincing at the way her chest still stung with the pain before looking at him. “Oh… I.. got sick.”

“..are you sure?”

“Yeah, I got better.” Ren murmured quietly, her brain once again falling into the spiralling thoughts. 

“Hey, Kazuha..” She started, her voice trailing off when the bus approached. Kazuha gave her an expectant look but she shook her head, trying to dismiss it. 

They got on the bus together, sitting next to each other like usual. But Kazuha noticed the stiffness that Ren seemed to harbor, and he gently nudged her again.

“You can talk to me, y'know.” he tried, but Ren sighed. She knew she was being unfair to him, but there were just too many things in her head. But she noticed the way his gaze got caught onto the cat bracelet, and he gave her a small smile. 

“You still have it.” he chuckled softly, and Ren let her eyes drift to the charm before letting out a small, imperceptible smile herself. 

“I don't think I'd leave it alone after you bought it for me,” she hummed quietly, pressing the stop sign as they neared the school. Although the small talk had lightened the mood slightly, it was still awkward.

Finally, they both got off, but before Kazuha went through the school gates Ren caught his wrist, a maelstrom of emotions swirling in her chest.

‘Do it,’ her brain urged her. ‘You can't let it drag on forever. Just tell him.’

She took a deep breath before speaking up, avoiding eye contact with Kazuha.

“..Kazuha, I..”

‘Go for it.’

“We shouldn't hang around each other anymore.”

She didn't look up, too scared to see the look on his face. The disappointment, anger, and hurt etched there. But instead of saying anything, Kazuha’s hands went to her face, tilting her chin up and catching the tears falling.

“..why?”

“..my aunt.. has cancer. I.. I need a job. And.. you have a good future ahead of you. Don't.. let me drag you down.”

“Ren, you could never–”

“I'm just ruining your reputation!” the thirteen year old yelled out, breathing heavily and trying to blink back tears. “You deserve better, smarter friends instead of a poor person like me!”

Kazuha stayed silent.

“If we continue to be friends, you'll just distract me! I need to work so I can help my aunt, so that we can have food on the table!”

She noticed the way he flinched, but her vision was blurred by tears.

“Ren..” he whispered, her name rolling off his tongue with ease, usually with tease or playfulness. Yet this time, it was filled with hurt.

Ren took a step back, distancing herself from him. “..you know how we were strangers at the start of the year? Let's just.. go back to that. It'll be easier for both of us.”

For you, she wanted to say. But.. don’t listen to me. Yell at me, hug me.. please don’t leave.. don't let my stupid words make you believe me.

“..okay.” Kazuha simply replied, his hands falling to his sides limply and staying there, twitching like he wanted to at least hold her hand.

‘..we could have had something. But.. I ruined it.’ her mind told herself, threatening to swallow her whole. ‘I don’t deserve him, I never did and never will. There will never be something between us. And if there was, it's dead.’

Ren walked past him, tears falling as she stepped into the school gates.

And then, she whispered.

“I'm sorry.”