old rant I found in my notes abt a girl crush I had lol.

so i wasn’t imagining it. that’s what stings the most.

you really did say “i love you.” you really did call me those soft little names, the kind that stick in your chest long after the notifications fade. you really did take care of me like i was precious, like i actually mattered in a way not everyone gets to matter.

and for a while, i thought that meant we were… something. not friends, not lovers, but something in-between, leaning closer and closer to love every time you said “i want you” in that teasing-but-not-really way. every time you told me you cared. every time your voice softened just for me.

and i let myself believe it. because how could i not? you didn’t do that with anyone else. you didn’t hand out your affection like candy. it was me. i was the one you whispered those words to. i was the one you held onto just a little too long. i was the one you spoiled with that kind of tenderness.

so yeah, i thought i was special. i thought it was building into something we just hadn’t named yet.

but then it hit me—you never saw it that way. to you, it was friendship at its closest, at its safest. not love. not the beginning of something bigger. just the most intimate version of “best friends.”

and god, how do you even grieve that? how do you mourn a love that wasn’t a love at all?

because you did make me special. you did make me believe i was chosen. you made me feel like i had a piece of you no one else could touch. and maybe that was true. maybe i did.

but it still wasn’t enough. not enough for you to want me the way i wanted you. not enough for “i love you” to mean what i thought it did.

so now i’m stuck with this hollow ache, knowing i wasn’t wrong—i was special to you. just not the kind of special i wanted to be.