8.16.25

I know it's been a while, so I apologize. I think I've rewritten this blog about six times over now.

So, to start, I hung out with friends. It was fun whenever I wasn't in some stupid fucking argument. I'm convinced someone would get mad at me if I straight up told them how much I really need help at this point. I truly may as well just stop talking, because I haven't had a single person take me seriously when it comes to genuine issues. I think I've begged about 30+ people over my life not to go through with it, but suddenly when it's my turn, everyone has better shit to do?

I straight up said I don't know what I'll do after the beginning of September, and got brushed off. I think that was a pretty obvious cry for help, but okay. Like, this sounds overdramatic and stupid, but I don't know what to do after my next concert. Nobody looks forward to school, the holidays get less fun and more miserable every year, so really I don't have much to look forward to after. I could wait for my favorite band to put out new stuff again and go on tour, but that won't even be a confirmed thing until late next summer. I don't exactly see myself making it through this fall, winter, and spring, and most of next summer. I feel like I've already run out of time.

I know the best thing to do is like, talk to my mom. The thing is, she'd genuinely understand how I feel, and that's a scary conversation. I'd really rather just get yelled at. Hospitals are scary anyway. They're cold and smell weird and I don't want to go to a psych ward. I feel like I'd get worse there and then come home and be even worse. I wonder if people will actually care if I get worse. I don't know if that's something I wanna test. I miss being a little kid and not having to worry about any of this shit.

I miss my boyfriend, also. It sounds obvious but I really do feel a lot better when I'm at his house. I wonder if the physical connection is what helps the most. I only ever really like hugs when it's him. I know he does, but I always get stuck wondering if he loves me as much.

I think I really just need to get out of this house. I don't know how to though. I always want to go home when I'm already here.

I don't really much have much else to say. I think I had more, actually, but I don't remember.