My First Blog

**Trigger warning: this blog does mention suicide.** 

Please take care of yourself and skip this blog if the mention of suicide isn't good for your well-being. I will catch you at my next blog!

Hi, my name is Tori. I saw SpaceHey on TikTok and came up with an idea. I had been struggling with my mental health for a long time because I felt like I couldn't talk about my feelings. The town I grew up in never took mental health seriously. So, I had no clue how to bring up my feelings. For a while, I worked way too much (I also was the breadwinner in an abusive relationship, which is a story for another day) because I would have rather worked than be stuck in my own thoughts or go home. I finally got help in February. I started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for the first time ever, and I am not going to lie, I was absolutely scared. I knew I wasn't like my friends or family members. I already knew I was autistic since I was diagnosed at 12, which doesn't bother me; I just don't notice sarcasm or flirting. But I never suspected I would be diagnosed with BPD, severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I knew I always had intense emotions more than others, and I knew I had abandonment issues. But I didn't realize I was really that broken physically and mentally. I am not the one who actually wanted therapy; my husband saw the signs and begged me to get help because he feared I was suicidal and was going to hurt myself. He wasn't wrong. I was planning because I had failed my other two attempts. I couldn't sleep at night because of all the trauma I had experienced since childhood. From the age of 5 to 22, it was a never-ending rollercoaster of trauma. I won't speak about my trauma in detail right now, but I will someday. But anyways, I thought the only way to have peace was to die. All I wanted was peace, but my mind and body were still in survival mode. My therapist told me that my body and mind were reacting so badly because I was finally truly safe, but my mind and body weren't used to it. So that is when my night terrors got worse, and I experienced my first PTSD episode. I didn't think therapy and medications were going to work at all. But now it is July, and I can say for the first time in a very long time I feel like myself again. I am my bubbly self. I can finally smile because I am genuinely happy, and I don't have to fake it. I still have my bad days, but the good outweighs the bad days. I am finally enjoying my old hobbies again, and I have some of my self-confidence back. So my idea is to start blogging about mental health, daily life, and stories that are absolutely hilarious or wholesome. I am only 24, about to turn 25 in October, but I have a lot of stories to tell and some life lessons that I think anyone could benefit from. I am making this blog so other people who have mental issues like me don't feel so alone or hopeless because I am living proof that when given the right tools, you can build a beautiful life even from ashes. I would also love to make friends as well from around the world! If you have read this far, thank you for reading.