High School,,

I've already made it through my first year. I'll be starting my sophomore year on sept. 4th, and I'm REALLY nervous abt it. I'm always nervous when it comes to a new school year but every year my anxiety like SKYROCKETS more than the last and i end up freaking out about it more than i should, then when i walk into the school building on the first day its literally fine.

Nothing but just icebreakers. as if we haven't known these same kids sans a few of newcomers since 2021. "what did you do this summer", "did anyone do anything fun?" , "turn and talk to your neighbor" id rather claw out my own eyeballs with my fingernails torn off thanks (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

It's just nerves, i know. but last year- freshman year- was the first time I've ever FAILED a math regents. I've always gotten lucky and just passed by the bare minimum needed to scrape by into the next subject. but, my school is emailing me more, about how I can take this summer course to prepare for the august regents. then they add at the end "oh but you don't HAVE TO, only if you wanna get the ADVANCED regents diploma" which makes me feel bad

Along with that, this year i worked my BUTT off on an English assignment where we had to do a poetry analysis on one of our favorite songs (I chose Bruno is orange by hop along). I legit pulled all-nighters for that, poured my tears and sweat and stress into each little decoration and word written just to find out that we got a 100 just for doing the basic bare minimum. a kid at my table did nothing for THREE DAYS. we were given THREE DAYS to work on this in class (which is like four periods total. maybe five but idrk if i had English on Fridays,,) and did nothing at home. on the day of he admitted to his friend at the table who sat beside me so i heard this, he used ai. and STILL GOT A 100. ALMOST EVERYONE IN THE ROOM GOT A 100. I WOULDNT HAVE WORKED SO HARD IF I KNEW IT WOULD BE ONE OF THOSE ASSIGNMENTS. 

I didn't do anything i was 'supposed, to do this year. i didn't join any clubs- when i tried i got embarrassed and almost missed my bus and basically speed walked out the library- damn crochet club,, i didn't show an upward trend or whatever people say.. It would honestly be a miracle if any collages accepted me when i get to that point in life. I kind of feel like i failed somehow. Like there's some invisible pressure on me constantly watching and marking down what im doing wrong when i least expect it.

Do you ever wish sometimes you could open your head like a hatch and replace your brain with someone elses? i do. or maybe if we could just take out stuff like that i could clean my brain out and fix it. omg imagine how much that would help with like splitting headaches. just taking it out and massaging it all better and putting it back in,, im gonna end this post here i wanna write abt something else.

                                                               -R