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Firstly I'm sitting on a table drawing on a notebook with some pen, the table's edges are rounded and the table itself is long enough to fit 2 people along its side and one per Extreme.
I sitted in one of the extremes, a corpulent ginger woman in front of me, two teenage boys snickering right beside sitting right along the length of the table shoot at the woman with a water gun then at me. (On my left)
In a twisted act of impulse and anger I grab his arm and 'stab' him with the pen all over it's length finding mild satisfaction in how he squirms beneath my grip, green dots all over his arm on the places the pen met the skin; I slap him in the eyes and run away sensing the consequences of my actions.
Followed by the other the boy grabs a chair, I frenetically try to stop him as he throws it at me, luckily it only brushed my side, which irked me and I start chasing him all over the place with the constant impulse to hurt him as I can.
I cry and seek help (or rather, punishment for the boy) searching support from any of the two men standing at the entrance of the tunnel, a guard and fucking Gustav Von Aschenbach from fucking death in Venice and of course, I ask Gustav and we walk together as I tell him all that happened (except for the part when I slap him in the eyes, even if it's the least preoccupying of my actions) and he doesn't comment on anything simply talking to me about some language matter ("blah blah blah was it russian? No it was blah blah blah anyway russian on top" why would he say that?) we reached the table where I originally was sitting that now has the word "мир" written on it. I think of reading the word to Gustav, so he knows I can read russian, but I don't act on it.
Then I find myself in a nostalgic empty room with a short chords circuit leading me to one of those child play-places (ludoteca), the boys from earlier keep hitting me and I hit them in return. When I reach the place the one with the water gun complains "You don't even know me! You don't even know my age! I'm older than you!!", I linked his age to grades as if he was a classmate, suspecting he repeated the grade placing him between 17 or 18; I felt like he was 17 and sure of it he was, thought of telling him just to see his shocked face, but decided to not act on it. (again)
I head to my left,finding two known (and missed) people playing some short of complicated yet strange game (in my point), they sitted around a table divided in 4 parts by colour (principally light pink, dark green and dark purple) classificating each border as either "X" or "Y"; the boy started and wrote a 1 in the side at his right, the turn passes to the girl who writes a 5 in the border at her left winning instantly saying "Jaque Mate".
1st (1)—An apparently innocent violation followed by an unmeasured and explosive reaction (hits too near home), the move triggering an impulsive and aggressive behaviour
(How I manage my impulses, exaggerated anger towards simple childish actions)
2nd (1)—I seek help stabbed by the guilt but with a twisted intention in punishing the boy by talking about his acts (while a part of me knows that based on my own actions compared to his own there's no way I'm being reasonable).
I decide to not add my possibly most innocent action compared to the rest
[1&2=Aggressive responses. emphasising in both awareness and remorse yet also a certain satisfaction in defending myself (Sense of Ambivalence: a desire to both be punished and punish the other)]
3rd (1)—Gustav Von aschenbach: repressed desire, artistic idealism, moral decay (and the certain obsession with beauty, remarkable even if I categorised it in 'artistic idealism')
A relation with the irrational impulses in my dream, mirroring my own encounter and in some way myself in that matter
His nonsensical response dismissing the problem and talking about languages could suggest detachment or my subconscious showing me how unhelpful or irrelevant intellectualism can be in the face of raw internal turmoil.
(Could I attach it to my obsession with solving problems through an "intellectual" insight or the obsession with the concept itself)
1st (2)—The pen turned into a weapon, intellect or expression distorted by anger and impulsivity being used for something bad.
The colour green could mean envy, corruption, growth, renewal...The action of inflicting harm through the pen might suggest a conflict between positive growth and destructive tendencies.
1.5 (1)— The chair was thrown at me enough to brush me but not to injure, triggering another disproportionate and aggressive reaction.
Minor transgressions can trigger disproportionate responses, specially when I felt wronged.
3rd (2)—"Мир" in russian (supposedly) can mean "world" or "peace".
I could have been about to share that I understand the world (or a bid for connection or validation) but I hold back, withholding expression (as a core motif)
4th (1)—The "ludoteca", going back to a childhood environment (familiar specially), could symbolize regression to innocence but most relatably a moment and please where the roles are blurred (victim/aggressor)
5th (1)—In the final game I don't play, I observe, past friendships lost parts of mine I can only look back as blurred images playing on a coloured table with strategic moves and an instant win.
(might suggest my thoughts on if others can resolve conflict or the "game" (of life) more easily than I feel I can.)
Theres something precise, elegant and unfair about how quickly the game ends
..............
1, 1.5, 2 (1,2)—
Long table, rounded edges—communal, structured, maybe a familiar setting.
The structure of the table is isolated apart from the sides, might suggest a specific dynamic in my relationships or isolation.
Action of drawing—introspection, personal creativity, defining my own thoughts and identity. (something that calmed me, held me back from any offenses)
The teenagers—Inmature or mocking parts of myself? O others that don't take things seriously
Violent response—stabbing with a pen, symbolic defense using intellect or expression but it turns into something dark and uncontrolled
Green dots—The lasting marks of my actions: visible, undeniable yet not fatal.
Running away—immediate regret, but more surely awareness of the consequences.
(The chair being thrown at me regarding the situation—Heightened tension, conflict escalating but now I'm on the defensive.)
3rd (1&2)—
Gustav—Artistic obsession and idealism, suppressed desire, moral decay, denial..Chose to speak to him over the guard.
He provides no real emotional support, instead deflecting on language.
The way I'm walking beside him along the talk could signify that I try to reconcile my emotional turmoil with more intellectual or detached ways (awareness) of processing it.
Language discussion—deflection, intellectualising the situation (but still downright deflection), possible avoidance.
"Мир" on the table—A stark contrast from the earlier violence.
A deep yearning for peace or a return to meaning, personal reconciliation?Might suggest a complexity at achieving peace, specially when faced with emotional and interpersonal chaos.
4th (1)—
The boy's accusation—could suggest projection?...Or maybe confronting a situation where I might've judged someone too fastly or harshly.
Child-like setting—nostalgia, early memories and a familiar place.
Returning to an emotionally charged and nostalgic environment could indicate a desire to revisit simpler times or places when I felt more innocent and less burdened by conflict. (or my own emotions, for a fact)
Detatched calculation—I estimate his age, and believe instantly in my inutition but chose not to confront him with it.
5th (1)—
Two missed people—Longing (Maybe)
The game—Symbolic of rules (and somehow, a reminder of those strategy games I never understand and frustrate me) logic or structure...Could deflect on how everyone seems to participate, understand or win while I'm just observing.
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