Experiencing Romance

I kinda wanna experience the thrill of a relationship like, how does it feel like? (i'm aroace btw) and I do experience crushes, i guess? but its more on like admiration, i dont see myself with them because I refuse to let myself see myself with someone because, all my life, i've been that ugly friend. No one ever liked me, well except 1 person, we dated but it didnt feel like anything. Yes I know im still a teenager but like the thought of relationships is cool, in a way. I find it disgusting too, im a complex person tbh and I couldn't really be in a relationship because my fam dont approve, so i'll just continue dreaming hihi.