sigh....

Vent post!

disclaimer: so this message is after ive typed everything. i dont care about it being public, i dont care who sees it. im not going to do anything like take my life, it was more of simply wanting to express the thoughts that ive kept within me. simply i found an outlet for me to let my thoughts and emotions finally be free, im a-ok now lol. you can use this as somehting to relate to, venting in the coments or maybe to even find advice from. that all this is, a big vent post lol 

lol this might be my laast blog for a while, im not gonna bother correcting anything in i t since i want it to be completely raw, lol raw. anywyas. i just turned 18 like two days ago, yippie. but alrealy things have gone to shit, i mean, ive been expecting this and lowkey been propering for it too but ig i never thought id actually be able to do it. im leaving soon. going to a shelter that i hope will take me in. i really shouldnt be sharing this information online but its not like theyll see it either, im taking this device with me. my mom broke my phone bc the baby started crying. it wasnt my fault. i just wake up but you already expec me to be full aware of everything i do. shes acting as if i wznted the baby to be crying on purpose lik ei wanted to be ruining her morning. 

i havent been getting sleep. its been like this for a while. i lowkey wanna do it already, theres been severl ways i could. one of them is behind my pillow. i might end up using it, who knows. i think if i were to do it, id want to write a letter, to a few people. my little brother, my first baby. the one i actually took care of. hewould get my pokemon cards lol. i have a lot.. hed like them, i might also give him my magic the gathering cards. he could play with my friends if they wanna be with someone similar to me. im not going to do anything yet. ill miss you the most. i wish you left with us. wpuldve made things a whole lot better for me here. 

befor4 i leave, if i contnue on, id give my first brother my guitar. youknow, to keep it safe untill im back. hed take care of it, wont let anything happen to it. hes a good boy, nothing weird, i wish we were closer, the only thng thst brought us close was weed lol. i wish i played games wth you when you had asked back then, probably one of my biggest regrets. you might be the one person from the family i keep in contact with, untill the second youngest gets a phone lol, jk. there willl be some more i leave to you, like a few of my stuff animsls and such and some oter thingd ik youd like, i just wont disclose them here. 

sofia you make it really hard to love you. you have for a long while. it doesnt mean you wont get stuff left over from me, youd probably get the most, but theyd have less thought and emotion put into it. i dont think gael wass the favorite, you were. you always were. i knew it form the moment nothing happened to you when you took that gun picture with that boy. the fact you were still able to get a party after that too. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i could say tht a thousand times over and it still wontbe able to express how much i hate you. you are entitaled, selfish, a brat (and not the good one) and just a total bitch. its a shame. toobad i still sde you as that wonderful little girl i used to play babies with, i used to play shopkins with. the little girl who had a frozen themed party, who liked sofia the first. i missher. oh well. 

i dont have anything to say yto the other two other thqni hate you both. there is no 1 between ypu two becasue you are less than that, you dant even come to a close 2 but idec anymore. the both of you might be equal on the spectrum where i hate you. 3, i hate you, i always have, maybe bac when i was oblivious and out worldy ignorant to the truth of what you did. no actully nevr mind. you knew abput the fact she hated me she alwyas have. there has been obvious signs. one s[ecific moment that if ypou dont remember, i honestly wouldnt be surprised. ive gone to you for help, the only time i have crying begging for help, you pushed my feelings aside nd offeted me to call a lady who didnt care for me, who only loved you for your money, not even your dick. you lived what i felt first hand and still couldnt do anything about it. not even when you got out of jail. you are a sad, pathetic man. no man at all. you know nothing about me. barely even the surface level on things ive liked and done ssince i was young. a horrible father, a horrible son, a horrible brother. thats all you ever where and all you ever will be. 

you. you are the entire reason for this. for everyhtoing. the emotions i felt. the emotions i hvw felt for a very long while. you are the root of it all. you are a horribly immature person with twisted ideals. i wouldnt be surprised if it came out that you did hate me when i was young. i am not to blame for the fact that you still went along with that man. you are a horrible mother. if you wnna lecture me,l at least follow the ideals of said lecture, you are as equal as a hypocrite as that man and i shouldve seen it sooner. instead of judt blindly following you becuse you were my mother, because you shared "the truth" of ht hppened between you snd him. taking my empathy for granted. i hate you. you are the root of the hatred i hold for everyone, fo4r him, for my own sisters, and myself. you are the cause of it. you are the reason for any harm ive done to myself and ill make sure you know it. ill make sure you feel the same pain ive felt but ill finally be doing it to you. its no wonder your own sister hates you. ill make sure they all hate you. and they are going to. i doubt even your twin would want to be by your side, who knows. you do have th3 money.