I don't get it

Date: 1 july 2025 

I don't understand why every time I voice my feelings it becomes such a big deal. To friends, family, and even my bf. They don't get what I'm trying to do, they either approach me assuming that I'm joking or trying to create conflict. It's neither, I'm trying to express what I feel but it never goes right. Today I tried to tell my bf how I didn't like when he just ignored my messages, it wasn't that big a deal but then he kept jokingly not caring abt it and it bothered me. We ended up hanging up and after a couple of messages back and forth he said "I don't want to be interrogated all the time". That really made me sad, cs I always feel like I'm being too much, asking too much and being annoying. It's a big fear of mine and I've told him this before, but it felt as if he was confirming it by saying that.

It's prolly not even a big deal to him, it feels as if he can just let things go and not think abt them. I can't do that, I need answers now. Otherwise I can't sleep, eat or move, from the moment we hung up I cried, I hate conflicts, why do I always create them? I don't mean to. I hate how I can't just let things, comments, remarks, conflicts and such go. I'm embarrassed mostly, I always get embarrassed after I express my feelings.

Besides this its been a shit day. My friends cancelled the plans we made for today, it has been warm as fuck, my brother is skipping his job and fought with my dad, I need to go thru an application process that sucks and my cat got into a fight with another cat and I had to talk to the neighbor (whose cat it is) in the cooking hot sun. All of this sucked and then I just needed my bf to acknowledge what I sent, and he didn't, that's what made it a big deal to me. Anyway I'm jut gonna try and sleep it off, tho I prolly won't be able to bcs of my fuck ass allergies (and the eye clinic is closed for the week I found out today). And even if I do fall asleep I'll prolly just have a nightmare like every other night lately. 

- Elliot