Oh my god wow

Reading back from a few months ago is crazy... I've genuinely changed sm as a person like main thing I changed is FUCK THAT HOE ASS LITTLE DICK BIG FOREHEAD ASSED LITTLE BOY like he is such a pos ugh I hate him I wanna stab his eyeballs out with my thumbbbbbb I also quit nic and drugs kinda sorta not really I mean im trying to get more weed but like no more nic for meeee or alc or anything besides gas. And even then that's gonna be a rare occurrence... dawg highkey I have a crush on day 1 but but but but im fighting it back down this feels like a unwanted boner like completely inappropriate to be hard in math class at 9am but also yk its there you can't ignore it and you cant control it.... sigh I've kinda been in denial about this for a few monthsss but its okay cause like idk it just is... also he's been really nice about the issue he said give him a month or so to think about it and thats no biggie for me I've been trying not to think about it but I've played every different scenario on how it goes in my head.... oh also I finally got all the piercings I photoshoped on my original pfp ao pfp update!!! Eeeeeee anywho lifes been joyess I'm actually genuinely happy and free now I just wish my mama was here to experience it with me tho... I mean I'm happy life is good but it feels like somethings missing :p and ik what that thing is but I try to fill it any way I can but nothing makes it better nothing can fill it but my mama so its just a feeling ima have to adapt to. My dad is same old same old he's transformed its a weird thing ... loosing my mom and now all im left with is a stranger she did her best to protect us from. I don't understand why she didn't just leave him when she had the chance ig love will make you do crazy things. My mama always had huge plans but it was always "I'll do it tmmr" so I don't do that anymore if I wanna do something theres no anxiety no what if no nothing I do it. New piercing? Done. Making clothes I see? Done. School? Done. Job? Done working on car?? Done Asking out Gracyn???? Done. It's worth the risk for the reward. It always always will be fuck chances and fuck anxiety. Also I'm making all of this public cause I lowkey want strangers to know about my life like a tv show 😭😭 ik thats so stupid but I feel so alone and knowing theres a possibility someone can read this makes me feel less alone. I have 3 friends, well 4 counting gracyn. Anna, Brenton, and Makayla. They're all always busy and can never talk I wish I had a lot of friends or a friend group those are all kids in different groups. I don't have one im the back up plan. So owwy that sucks :p but I'll live I got me a pipe some gas a bright future and one person who will always have my back my number one super awesome buddy: Gracyn--> 🧍: he really is so awesome sauce I feel like such a creep for wanting more than a friendship but I can't control it if I could I wouldn't feel this way. Rn im debating if I should clean my car so I can start working on it or clean my room so my grandma wont be disappointed I think ima clean the car idrc about my room all to much and im already the family disappointment. I've had a amount of sweet tea today that can only be considered unholy. Its so good I can't stop just straight guzzling ts. I have a knock off stanley thats my ride or die I've had 4 of those full of sweet tea...im pretty sure the cup is 32 oz....im fixing me another cup as I write this... my eating problems are coming back so this id my special treat before I'll never drink anything with sugar again... or at least for a long time I've gained 3 pounds and that has given me this gut feeling I haven't been able to escape its there 24/7 it sucks cheeks sighhhh thats enough yapping for today see you next time I feel like im in a existential crisis peace and love <3 be safe-MAR