well, this sucks to be a first blog on this site. public even. after i spent 10 hours heavily modifying a template i was somewhat satisfied with the decorations of it. still missing many blinkies and that 2000s look. i was trying to decorate it more like a 90s japanese fashion magazine but i couldnt stop thinking about the hysteric glamour bag i gifted my now exboyfriend (i think).
well it finally did happen last week, through text. it took a bit for me to sit with it and (try) not go insane trying to think about it but this was probably the third time we've broken up and i really think this is it. it was my first relationship, first boyfriend, first partner first everything. i wrote a three long paragraph apology and acknowledgement in response to something ive hurt them but i think it wasnt enough, and i was met with one word replies until they never responded to my last "i love you".
this sounds cheesy, like the midwest emo songs i was listening to in highschool where i couldnt even get a boyfriend or girlfriend, acne induced nerd that nobody wanted to talk to except an antisocial English teacher. i never thought it would happen to me you know, i think of it like those songs by Pitcher56 where i could bake and wake up with them every morning but atlas i am human with flaws and i am writing this entry at 3:42am. i hate the prose i am using for this blog entry and it is embarrassing to admit, i still love them so much despite this very difficult LDR. i dont know why they still want to see me in vietnam after breaking up with me then essentially removed and distanced themselves from my personal accounts online, no call, no nothing just a text saying they dont want to talk to me for a long long time. they dont seem to talk or ever want to think about me again from what i see on their social media and our last interaction.
i admit ive done some really terrible things to them during the relationship, i am quite emotionally unregulated (most of the time) and i dont feel like im comfortable to be around deep down. the abandonment wound really hits after seeing them going forward with their life. well, i am maybe just a chapter in their life and they will find a cute boyfriend that helps them finish that zine we started. i am envious and jealous at times, i am jealous that i wasnt born in the west or america to be more culturally connected with them. that i couldnt be physcially closer with them. and despite my numerous attempts of gift giving i think it didnt quite reach them the way i thought was love. im not sure if this is a sign to move on (because tbh i do still have problems with resentment and trying forgive things even when theyre trying really hard after our last break up) or to linger and wait for the potential closure of our relationship.
i miss them and i love them so much. i just hope that they think of me sometimes, my first relationship - first boyfriend - first everything. i wish i wasnt so harsh on myself and others. it is a harsh lesson learned and i will go to sleep now. good night wherever you are and i will always think of you. happy pride month

saigon, vietnam

27/06/2025