Anxious Girl Diaries: Today Was Too Good - diary I

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English / Español abajo

I lazily opened my eyes in the morning. Today was the exam—the one that had ruined my night out with the girls. The truth is, even though it was easy and I already knew everything, the anxiety of just wanting to get it over with was eating me alive. I hate exams. I wish people would just believe me when I say I know the stuff. I do know it. Just let me pass.

I checked my messages—my boyfriend’s goodnight text. Like every time I feel loved, especially by him, I remember what a piece of shit I am. I sent him a “good morning” and went straight to my first cup of coffee. Luckily, my mom was still asleep. We argued last night and I really didn’t want to run into her.

Lately, I’ve been feeling good... and I don’t like it. Whenever things go too well, I get this gut feeling something awful is coming. Even my annoying acne is gone (the skincare’s finally working). I’ve been getting gigs for work, my friends and boyfriend have been consistent and supportive... maybe a crash is coming? I probably shouldn’t think like that. Laura would kill me. She’s my psychiatrist—a bossy, stern-faced woman. But she helps. Dark-skinned, long black hair, and those cat-eye glasses she peers over when I start spiraling. With her whole ‘60s schoolteacher vibe, I sometimes wonder if deep down she just thinks I’m a whiny 20-year-old who needs to stop overthinking everything.

I studied pretty much all morning, took an hour break for my daily walk (another one because I found this site and got sucked in), and checked off my usual to-dos: meds, cleaning, sun, studying. The basics. Nietzsche stared at me—the book by my bed I haven’t touched in months. I’ve been too caught up in dumb horror and fantasy novels...

When it was finally exam time, I finished it pretty quickly. I wasn’t the first one done, but I still had time to spare. The rest of the day felt like a cold, grey blur. I ate a pita sandwich and immediately felt guilty. It’s dumb... my classmates eat sandwiches every day, but maybe I’ve built this “healthy girl” image so strongly that even something that small makes me feel like a fraud.

He still hasn’t texted me. Since Sunday. It’s weird. I guess that’s the sign, isn’t it?

By the time I got home, it was pitch black outside. My fat cat was passed out, curled in my sheets. I envied him, like always. God, I wish I were him...

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Abri mis ojos con pereza en la mañana. Hoy era el examen que me habia arruinado la noche con mis amigas. Lo cierto es que aunque era facil y ya sabia todo, me frustraba la ansiedad de querer hacerlo yaya. Odio los examenes, quisiera que solo me crean que ya lo se, ya se aquel tema, solo dejenme pasar. Mires mis mensajes, el buenas noches de mi novio. Como cada vez que me siento amada, y mas por el, me recuerdo que soy una mierda de persona. Le mande mi buenos dias y me fui a mi primera taza de café. Afortunadamente mi madre dormia, ayer discutimos y no queria cruzarmela... Ultimamente, me estoy sintiendo bien, y eso no me gusta, por que cuando todo sale bien, es que algo muy malo va a pasar. Ni siquiera mi molesto acne esta por ahi (el skincare esta funcionando al fin) me han llegado encargos de mi trabajo,mis amigas y mi novio estan de foema constante y positiva... quizas venga una recaida? No deberia pensar eso je, Laura me mataria. Ella es mi psiquiatra, una mujer mandona y de mala cara. Ppero me ayuda. Es morena, tiene un largo cabello negro y unos lentes en forma de ojo de gato, con los que me mire por encima del marco con reprobacion cuando caigo en pensamientos autodestructivos. Con su cara de señora de 60's, me pregunto si en su cabeza, en el fondo, no piensa que soy una niña dramatica de 20 años, que deberia dejar de pensar. Estudie durante casi toda la mañana, parando una hora para hacer mi caminata diaria, (otra por que encontre esta pagina y me puse a hacerla) y cumpli las tareas diarias, Medicina, limpieza, sol, estudiar. Lo que debo hacer. Nietzsche me mira, el libro al lado de mi cama que llevo meses sin leer, por que estoy mas entretenida con estupidas novelas de terror y fantasia...Para la hora del examen, en efecto, pude acabrlo rapidamente, no fui la primera, pero aun asi me sobro tiempo. El resto del dia fue un bodrio helado. Comi un sandwich de pan arabe cosa que me lleno de culpa. es absurdo...mis compañeras comen sandwiches a diario, pero quizas mi etiqueta de chica saludable es tan fuerte... El sigue sin hablarme. Desde el domingo. Es tan raro. Supongo que es la señal, ¿no?... Para cuando llegue a casa, era noche cerrada. El gato gordo descansaba placidamente entre mi sabanas. Lo envidie, como siempre. Desearia ser el...