something new

if this is where i come to log my mistakes i have to confess i accidentally called someone honey and that's your name. it was in the context of consolation and it wasn't meant in that way. it came out automatically. everything for you comes out automatically. it wasn't for her. i made a mistake. you don't care. but i'm still sorry

here is the thing about all of this: i want to yell to the world as loud as i can: I WAS IN LOVE!

here is the thing about that: it is not true. we were in love, i am in love, you're not in love.

here is my corrected statement: I AM IN LOVE!

here is why i cannot say that: you are not in love.

it seems so silly and so selfish, and i know that, but look: we walked into the same house that we used to spend so much time saying was home, and to me it was familiar and i felt at home, and i could feel your apprehension, like: this home is not mine anymore. like: these shoes do not fit my feet. like: everything is different.

and that is when i want to get on my knees and make a scene and yell and scream and tell you NO! NOTHING IS DIFFERENT! EVERYTHING IS THE SAME! NOTHING HAS CHANGED! but that would only hurt both of us, and it isn't even true: the most important thing about all of this changed: you

belonging was once so clear a concept to me but: you do not claim me anymore so i am not yours. and: you do not want to be claimed anymore so you are not mine. but you are the only love i know for these years and my heart is still in your hands, so what do i make of this?

i can't ever get rid of anything you've given me, and i can't ever delete the pictures, because all of this is proof that there was love there, once. we were so bright and so happy once.

the sand sits softer and the swallows are silent now

i kiss your speckled head and taste the sweat upon your brow

i loved you once, i loved you twice, i loved you then, i love you now

my home is bones: foundation cracked. you let me down, you take a bow

je t'ai aimé une fois, je t'ai aimé deux fois, je t'ai aimé alors, je t'aime maintenant

i'm still making breakfast for two, i'm still making room for you

sleep on the outside just for you, i'm still making room for you

don't eat much when without you, i'm still making room for you

my little body 102, making all this room for you

head against your bedframe, come up with a new way to say goodnight

push me out back door, find another set of words for goodbye 

force it in the wrong way, promise me you won't make me tell you goodnight

coax it out the back way, make it last a few days, tell it goodbye 

dog days in your backyard, take me out to walk, i'm your bitch

tell you that we're just fine, console you to talk, i'm your bitch

get your fix while the plastic clicks in your latex clique, i'm 5'2 between you

hold my hips and lean in for a kiss but you pass my lips, i'm six feet beneath you

ride your dick with some sickening kind of elegance, leave glitter all over you

slick i mix all your wilted skin with my silky spit, i'll always be with you

dog days in your arms, we can dive into the well, we let everybody know we'll never be apart

dog days in your arms, let you scold me when i yell, we let everybody know i'm the problem when i bark

dog days are over, i'm older, i'm sober, i'm somber, i'm waiting, i'm missing my owner

dog days are over, i'm young, i fold over, i double, i vomit, i brag, i'll boast it

going through the motions and it's so fucking painful

getting papercuts to fake the wings of an angel

trying to convince myself napkins weigh the same as feathers

tear my skin with my teeth just to hold it all together

they warn us about the seeds - they tell us not to eat them - they warn that they will grow watermelons in our bellies - and so we do not eat them - we spit them aside - little piles of tiny black curses on paper plates

but they didn't warn me about your skin - speckled and fertile and perfect - and they didn't warn me about the dangers of kissing seeds into the surface of you - they didn't warn me that you'd kiss seeds into the surface of me too

and i did it - i saw your freckled arms and cheeks - and i pressed seeds into them - and you did it - you saw my soft belly - and you planted the biggest tallest flower within me

and at once i watched all the wildflowers sprout from your arms - and i watched your cheeks turn red blooming dahlias - and i watched you turn all different shades and colors - and i never stopped to ask myself if they were the doing of me or the way the world wanted or the way you wanted

and at once you watched me sprout six feet taller than before - and the brightest yellow sunflower popped up from my head - and it followed the sun at all costs without - thought but it shaded your blossoms and my roots wrapped round your feet

and you wilted down slowly but surely - and i saw and i thought you were okay and just thirsty - and i cried for your hurt - i shed tears for your pain - but the water from my eyes was too salty too strained - and it burned on your petals and i cried even more - and i thought to myself it should never be war

and at last i came to realize the problem at hand wasn't thirst or bad soil or a lack of land - but my big stupid head and petals gold as the sun sucked up all the sunshine and left you with none - i had shaded your dahlia cheeks from the glow - only because i thought i had to protect you from the snow - and i didn't even notice how you fell to the ground

and you said to me softly as i reached for your arms - "you can pull me up this time but this time's the last one - i need sun i need rain no more salt from your eyes"- and i wept for your pain but i also wept for mine

oh those blooms that you gave me are soaking in my salt too - and the beds of our garden look an awful lot like a tomb - and i lay my head down and let these sunflowers die - and i sleep in this sunshine and i know it's not all mine