my first time posting publicly

entry number 42 - 15:07/5 june 2025

As the title says, this is my first time writing something others might see. The thing that has been keeping me from doing so is my "fear" of being misunderstood. Dear reader, how could I trust you? I've decided it doesn't matter, what happens with this message after you've read it is out of my hands. Likely, it will be forgotten or disregarded. Maybe I find an empty sense of comfort within that idea. We're spending this short amount of our lives together, and at some point it'll be over.

I've always liked how unavoidable endings are. It's fascinating, almost. From the dot at the end of a sentence to the last breath of air someone will fill their lungs with.
As a kid I used to fear heaven. My friend used to tell me, "aren't you happy we will be in this wonderful place forever?". I disagreed, unable to grasp what something truly eternal would mean for myself. To be honest with you, I still don't fully understand. I need the stability of knowing there's always a way out. I am trapped by time, and so free because of it. If heaven existed, I likely wouldn't get in anyway. 
Not to forget, being happy forever sounded incredibly unappealing to me. I already experience a low amount of emotion, having the pleasure of feeling something different from plain satisfaction is something I'd like to keep. The depth of melancholy, feelings of seeming unreal and rage to the point it's painful. Confusion, desire, curiosity, fear. They add to ones complexity, it makes us human.

Most of the times I talk to others is because of my interest. Obvious, isn't it? But my "interest" is something specific, which I'll attempt to explain now. Part of my own humanity is being stuck with one mind, one body, one point of view. I find our differences beautiful, every person having their own story and living their own reality. It feels poetic to watch someone live.To me it's necessary to try and understand others, especially views different from my own. Without this minimal understanding I'd end up lost and delusional in a world I've created based on bias. I won't pretend this is the only reason, secrets and details about "below surface level" topics have always interested me. I enjoy both learning and knowing, about the world especially. Maybe I also desire to understand others to get a better understanding about myself, but that's a story for a different time. 

If you're still here, thank you for reading.