I was drowning.

I was drowning and no one noticed, not even me.

I myself was so stuck, I was suffocating and I thought that was normal. I thought that maybe it was meant to be like this. I was meant to drown so I let myself sink down till my lungs filled with water. I struggled even though I wanted it, but I guess I always put up a fight no matter what, even if I choose i wanted to drown I still fought it.

your probably wondering "how are you typing this if you drowned? OMG WERE YOU SAVED BY SOME SEXY LIFEGUARD AND HAVE SOME SUMMER FLING?? WAS THERE ROMANCE???!".

My answer to that is no, a big fat no. Drowning is a metaphor for being stuck, unable to speak, unable to breathe, you fight the current but it drags you back down. I drowned. I wanted to drown so I did.

The reason for this blog is personal. 

Today I was talking to one of my teachers and she was talking about this girl who was getting bullied by all her friends. she's so fucking sweet too, so nice not mean or chavvy like the others, but the things the teacher told me, that all happened to me last year. I thought it was fine and normal and that's how friends were supposed to act because they were my friends but it wasn't. I wasn't ok. I was the farthest thing from ok.

I was bullied and I sat there and took it because they were my friends. I sat there because I didn't know if it was bullying or not.. I sat there in pain and was ridiculed for months! and I took it, because that's who I am.

They would talk bad about me right in front of my face and call me a different name so I wouldn't suspect anything but i knew, they sent photos of me around, they spread rumour's that I was a lesbian, they bullied the way I did things for fuck sakes! I would text "kk" and the next day she would come in and blab about how it was so annoying and she hated it and people that people that didn't just text "okay" or "ok" pissed her off, but the thing is she would just smile and stare at me while she did this. She knew what she was doing and she was proud of it.

They would call me a Jewish gas chamber because I'm half polish. I would sit with them at lunch and they would talk, I try join and they shout at me for interrupting. They would shout about how I was being so annoying and loud and to stop talking. They would say "we weren't talking to you??", we were friends, they sat beside me at lunch, I just wanted to talk to my friends.

I was paranoid 24/7. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. they would call me and accuse me of stuff or try bring me into there drama. I couldn't take it. I just let the phone ring and went and sat in my bed. The darkness consumed me, I was in pain and I thought it was normal, that it should be that way, that I was meant to be like this.

They pushed me into the water and I thought this was how it was meant to be. So I sank, as time went on and slowly I just let myself sink more and more, losing the air in my lungs and filling with water because I wanted to drown because it was the only thing I could do right.

Then it hit me, her. The sweetest girl I've ever known. Seeing her helps, It makes me whole. She made me a person again.

I then stopped, I stopped drowning I found kindness and someone who would listen to me. I found someone who liked me for who I was. I found a friend.

I swam back up out of that water and got to that beach and sat down in peace.

I eventually blocked those on everything and stepped away. I went away and this time it was my choice to make. I ignored them, I left the past behind and looked forwards into this new shiny bright future.

what they did hurt me and a part of me will always still have that .. experience ill call it, in the back of my head.

I'm now free to sit on that beach and relax with my girl, the one that smile  that shines up a room, The one that makes me laugh and even though I annoy her head off sometimes she'll always be my friend.

So to Sophie, we cheer.

For saving my poor damned soul, even if she doesn't know it.

Thanks, Soph.

-Yours truly, Alice Crow.