Frist letter showing my devotion to you♥

My dear Art, 

I fear I have miss understood myself for all I have known. Cause I never believed myself to find myself wanting someone's presence this deeply. To want someones presence is to find yourself board to the point of seeking distractions, to get rid of mere distraction is to find something else to spend your time on. But it didn't work, all my work to destroy the pretty portrait of you doesn't work. For so long that I began having feelings for you my mind began to work to destroy the frist draft of the painting of you inside my head. It was so perfect, I hated it. But now that painting is not perfect no more and I fear I have began to love it even more. It's little imperfections just give the painting depth and more life. It's little aspects made the pupils have light in them. Instead of a plane perfect still picture. 

For as long as I have known I hated the idea of grabbing someone's hand or even the thought of kissing someone made me feel a little nauseous. As if the feeling of someones lips would taste bitterly disgusting. There was so much thought and disgust in my mind around any show of affection around me. 

But now I constantly think about it. I crave it. I don't know what poison you gave me. 

For I know this is poison, there is no way that something possessed me to attack you. Because in all this time I had my head straight towards the future. Mine and only my future. Only thinking of surviving, but out of no where you annoyed me. How could your small actions anger me so much; what was I even so angry about? I couldn't handle little actions. They seemed so innocently kind and adorable. I couldn't stand having someone like you around me and not being able to call you mine. My family knowing about your existence didn't help this feeling I had long varied deeply away cause I understood in the moment that this was just a distraction I was going to avoid. At some point my family thought I hated you for how much I had hated the idea of them digging those feelings back in front of the light. I hate the you. I hate that you manage to become the best distraction to me. That the bests parts of my day where the ones that you where in them. Nothing else in memory. 

It was in a time where I needed a comforting place to run to. So when the opportunity came up. And I was not willing to let it slide, now your here. By my side. Feels like the beginning of a small nightmare. For how much I fear how it's going to end. If this doesn't work out I wish to leave your life having changed it. Not just leaving like a bereze where the small freshness and comfort slide on your face and kept flowing towards it's destination away from you. I want to stay as much time with you as I can. Which hurts to admit. To myself cause it reveals that I have become distracted and I have stop the trajectory of my plan. A plan that I understood was going to be painfully and lonely for some while. The time is still not here and I already grief the day I will have to leave and have no contact with the people I love. To know that you will soon forget me gives me a little sence of sadness. This shouldn't have happen but I don't regret it happening. I really needed this small dream. 

But I fear that I will keep going and if is not with you I wish to changed your life in some kind of positive way when I'm still here next to you. 

I love you