swear ill be better.

i know im not a good person i know ive fucked people over and thats putting it lightly, people dont think im sorry but i truly am but a sidenote dont ask me to treat you like shit then get mad when i do so wtf??? especially when i clarify and warn people im around i am NOT A GOOD FUCKING PERSON and i am NOT claiming to be. dont defend my shitty actions just bc you think im cool or pretty or funny or some other bullshit i am still responsible for those actions regardless?? i take my shit for that and to the people ive fucked over im sorry and im proud of you for getting out of the situation. even though i miss these people very much.. or at least most of them i understand why they left and i just wish them the best. i dont want to be a bad person but at the ned of the day i am and ive done unexcusable things, this entry is honestly to get my thoughts out its not for pity i dont want that, and i know people ive hurt arent reading this but if they are this isnt me trying to undo whats been done nor make you or others defend of pity me, believe me or not id not blame you for not. this isnt even necesarilly an apolgogy, ive apologized countless times, they dont mean anything and thats okay. im not going to apologize to make myself feel better because it simply isnt about me. i hope they find peace and get better though. and as to that one person, youll be happy to know it is always in the back of my mind, the guilt will always be with me, i know what i did wasnt love but i did love you very much and i always will youre a great person and you didnt deserve shit i did to you, i know you know this and im glad you do. live your life be happy im proud of you. im kinda just blabbing on at this point. if this comes to bite me in the ass if i ever somehow become famous let this be proof it did happen, i regret it all but i cant change what i did and can only become better with time and professional help. those who stayed with me thahnk you i truly dont deserve you but im glad i get to know you. the people who im friends with + my boyfriend knows what i did i was very transparent and they still stayed, all i can say is thank you and i promise one day ill be the best person i can be, with therapy and meds, people around me who support me, an education, a career, my own place with my lover, donate to charities especially of ones that support people through the things ive put people through, ill become a useful and worthy person. i just need time and help. my room will be clean ill be more present. i know i can only say this but god i swear ill do it or die trying.