To be seen and the meaning of life. My thoughts. /4

Yes another one, tonight is just one of those nights. I love to write about my thoughts, this used to be rambling to others but I much prefer this. I was always very aware of the fact that I was coming off as self obsessed and yet I always longed to be understood, by myself really. The thought of being understood by someone else sounds like a wonderful nightmare, what a bittersweet thing to be seen. It’s like letting someone else gamble in a game of skill in your place with your money, it all  depends on them now. What will they do with that knowledge? I suppose that in itself is also intriguing now that I think of it, not to mention I do enjoy risk. I guess that’s why I used to do it, so easily hand over all my cards. I was such a people pleaser, I’ll likely never understand why I changed so suddenly, I didn’t notice the changes at first but looking back, not even that far, even just January I was different to how I am now, it almost seems like I must be acting. I was acting then but I wasn’t aware of it. I feel as if I’m myself now. Anyways, my mind moves faster than my hands can type. The world is such an awful place of beauty. People are such cruel artworks. My mind is full of thoughts like these, it’s only natural I find it interesting, and I know that the only one I can only ever hope can understand me is me. I honestly think truely understanding another person is impossible, maybe you can get close but to hope to understand someone else completely, genuinely understand 100% of their mind, thoughts, reactions, feelings, opinions, reasons and so much more is foolish. In that way I’m partly a fool. In theory it sounds wonderful, interesting, intriguing, but people are ever changing, you’d have to restart so many times it would drive you to madness. To waste your life and another’s that way, it would become obsessive. But I think true beauty comes from what you don’t understand, complexities like stars and galaxies all inside a mind, consolations of brain activity. I ramble incoherently. I think you can hope to understand someone a little deeper than surface level but that’s all, I’m not sure if one can even understand themself that deeply, perhaps I will one day, I don’t lack time to think currently but soon I will. I can’t imagine my future realistically or not, I don’t have a dream life but I do have a dream feeling but it’s far to complex for words. I can’t stay on one topic, I am thinking about so much and yet nothing at all. It’s purely observational. Is a question that doesn’t have an answer a question at all?  Would you call that a theory? Such meaningless thoughts. What’s the meaning of life? A pointless question and yet many find intriguing, some even stress over it. To me it’s simple, “what's the meaning of life” is a subjective question, you can choose to figure it out if you want to but why is it important? Why would you find such deep questions important, that’s what I find more interesting. What lead you to having such opinions? Perhaps I am projecting, I’ve recently concluded I’ve always had a longing to be understood, is that what fuels my longing to understand? I have so much fun thinking about things that don’t matter, because nothing really does. How can you say something matters subjectively? This whole existence is subjective, every action is just the result of millions of actions beforehand, but that would lead me into thinking about free will. Actually it has haha, free will is a wonderful subject. Does free will exist? Yes and no, it all depends on how you define free will. A person has choice but the outside forces,, I can’t describe what I want to, it’s difficult to find the words. From the moment you’re born you’re already taking in what’s around you, processing everything to understand how to act, how to think, how to survive. Are your opinions your own? Or are they just the formation of all the information you’ve processed, growing in a different environment will impact who you become. It’s interesting to imagine if it were possible to revert someone back into an infant and raise them differently or perhaps the same but in a different place, if they would become someone similar to the first time. I don’t think so but I’m not sure, I don’t really understand the complexities of the brain. What an odd place my mind takes me. I think when I think about these things I am truely myself. I tend to allow my emotions to be the driving force behind everything I do and say, I let myself get caught up in small things to occupy myself, otherwise I’m overly aware of how meaningless it all is. Meaningless isn’t a sad word to me, it just is. Everything just is. That’s why looking for the answer is stupid, because the real question is what is it to you? This life is whatever you make it. I’ve learnt that life is just whatever you believe it is, you are whatever you believe you are If you believe it enough. Ofc with certain restrictions. If you believe you are happy, and truely believe it genuinely, you are. If you think you’re stuck and can’t change and never will no matter what you do, you’re right. People tend to under estimate the power of the brain. It’s unfortunate that controlling it and beliefs is so hard. Its also difficult to not separate yourself from your brain, you are your brain. Perhaps I’m only part of my brain considering D.I.D but I don’t really like to put much thought into that. I have lost track of what I’m even rambling about. I’m not even gonna proofread this. I’m tired.