idk

I really want to know what's going on with me. It seems like I was born all messed up or that over time I've been getting messed up. Maybe it's puberty, I don't know. But anyway, I've always been seen as "the strange child" who evolved into "the strange teenager". This has to do with my tastes, and maybe even my appearance, and I think a little bit with my behavior too. Since I was little, I've been developing unhealthy habits that have been destroying me to this day. I'm not close to anyone, I have difficulty connecting but at the same time I connect very intensely with some people. The smallest things affect me, I feel very sentimental, sensitive and intense. Anything has the potential to ruin my month or even my year. I've considered taking my life for very small things but that had a big effect that only I saw, and then, one random day, I decide that I don't care anymore and go on with my life normally, as if all those thoughts, words and actions against myself no longer existed. I've been living in this cycle since last year. I go to a psychologist and in the future I will see a psychiatrist. I really want to understand what is happening to me, why this is happening. I tirelessly search for answers that seem abstract when they come to me and I can't decipher them. Just a mere rant.