a confession

identity crisis

i've been struggling with my identity for several years now. i was clueless, not knowing which way to start. there's no one to confide and suddenly, everyone is a gender critic.

as a kid, i always felt different. i was given dresses, heels, and make up kits. but i don't like any of those. i hated wearing heels as it hurts my feet. dresses are uncomfy and it makes me feel cold. make up toys are useless, they barely do a thing.

on the contrary, i've been fascinated with my guy friends. they have cool gun toys and even remote controlled toy cars. they feel more free during our gameplays. they can simply do whatever they want. meanwhile, i'm punished for being boyish when all i did was to match my friends' chaotic energy.

i once asked my friend when we were around 9 years old on how it feels lending me his toy gun. i liked his toy but i know i can't ask my fam to buy me one.

they mocked me for being a tomboy. you shouldn't be one, they said. they make you feel ashamed for being yourself. my relatives and neighbors, they often ask if i'm a tomboy. as a kid, i have no concept of gay people aside from learning they're a mockery in the society. they are people that aren't taken seriously and often made fun of.

i don't understand. why did no one explain to me?

i felt ashamed. i hated myself. i grew apart from my identity and often dissociate. i daydream on what its like if i was a boy instead. 

upon growing up, i learned that what i had was internalized homophobia. no wonder deep inside i feel repulsed by same gender couples. but i know i wanna be like them. i envy their freedom. yet i was taught that it's a sin. i'm still unlearning that terrible lesson.

due to my dissociation and desires to be a man, i created another identity. a persona apart from oneself. someone who can be the person i wanted to be, a totally opposite of me, a loser. i gave him a name, his own background, opposite personality, and everything i wanted to be.

people liked him. he made lots of friends. genuine connections i simply hoped i had instead. i felt jealous. i wanted it to be me. but i'm too deep into my lies, i can't keep going. i dug my grave from the start, there's no hope for me.

i feel sorry for people he hurt. it was a coping mechanism to sever the connection and make them hate me instead. that way, i'll feel better. the familiarity of anger is all i've known. i prefer people despise me for who i am and for what i did.

i don't deserve a good life. i'm not good enough to be with those people. they're so great. i'm nothing but a waste of time and friendship.

wish i could've been honest from the start. if i did, would you still like me? i know i'm not likeable. if i am, why did my younger self experienced all that? she didn't deserve it. she was just a kid.

i ruined everything. i self-sabotaged. i hurt people. i had a choice to be honest, yet i lied. i'm a coward. i kept running, avoiding accountability and dismissing every confrontation. 

i think i feel safe here. secure enough to let myself be truthful for once. i love the feeling of being unknown. i don't feel like myself. i'm not bound to me.

the only regret i have was losing people. i pretend it doesn't bother me but i yearn for their presence. every day i remind myself for how foolish i am. i constantly tell myself how terrible i am as a person.

i apologize to myself for pretending as someone i'm not. for killing you again and again, trying to bury your existence and live as somebody else. it pains you, didn't it? watching him live the life you wanted. for him to overtake and to completely forget about you.

i'm sorry i didn't protect you when i should have. you were a kid. you needed my help. yet i ran and hid and came out wearing masks. countless masks to perfectly hide your identity.

will you be accepted? or the end goal was for you to finally accept yourself? i hope it's the latter.