all my friends should leave me.. or are going to leave me

!!TW: VENT!! no layout for this since its kinda serious if you've ever been anti-recovery then you probably know what kinda situation im in rn, (everyone giving up on you, people leaving you cause 'you're messing with my mental health' whilst you know the situation you're in is completely your fault). its very, very hard to deal with, but I don't let myself feel bad for myself cause almost everything that's happened so far has been my cause or my fault. it's gone so far to point ive basically almost ruined others life's from influencing my shit habits and bad mental health. I feel like a horrible person, and it's not just me that thinks that, genuine people think that too. my friends parents now think that im a bad influence and i doubt they hate the thought of me being near my friends. it's not fair, why do other people want to recover but i don't? all I want is to get worse and worse and it's damaging me and the people around me. it'd be a good thing if my friends left me, theyd be saving themselfs from me dragging them down with me, + all my friends probably have a bright future and I don't want to interfere with that. nobody hates me (expect my friends parents) they just feel bad for me. or they're trying there hardest to help me but im just refusing to get better. also im a attention seeker, and most of the things I do are for that or validation, which doesn't help my case at all, the thought of healing and getting better seems insane and scary for me, i don't want to ever get better. shtwt is quite literally the only place ive found where people think the same way I do, although it so damaging, I hate it, but I also love it. I feel like everyone's only stayed friends with me so I don't kill myself or almost kill myself ifyk what I mean. I feel like I should break things of with my friends so I don't damage them anymore, and they can move on with there life's, although doing that willl affect my mental health insanely. I do love my friends and I want the best for them but being around them is damaging them, ive even influenced two to self harm. I hate myself so much!!!!!!! lol