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Typically a queer white hipster who uses identity politics to avoid accountability. Competitive oppression & self victimization. Centralizes themselves and their feelings in social / political movements that aren’t about them.
by wellbutrinfiend November 23, 2021
(from Urban Dictionary)
I feel that this definition is really lacking in a lot of ways, so I wanted to write a blog post explaining the concept of 'tenderqueerness' a bit more. I think it's easier to sum it up as a list of traits than using another method. Most of what's below comes from personal experience.
- Redefines already established terminology to fit their ideology and 'get in' with an internet clique.
An example of this would be what happened to DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), a mental illness characterized by extreme dissociation, depersonalization and derealization. This mental illness was co-opted by tenderqueers to use as a methodology to more easily self identify with microlabels and roleplay as original characters, with no regard for how people who actually suffer from DID feel about it. They have added entire acronyms, identities, and concepts to DID that have nothing to do with it as a disorder. There is even an entire DID wiki filled with information that is factually incorrect.
- Vocal and upfront with personal information like: traumatizing life events, diagnosed/non-diagnosed mental illnesses, and the triggers for those illnesses.
Most of this information is dangerous to share with strangers. It can lead to confrontation and gives trolls easy fodder to attack. (Which I think is part of the point- tenderqueers want to feel as victimized as possible so getting as many people as they can to interact with them negatively is part of their goal.) Oftentimes in tenderqueer Discord servers there will be an incredibly active venting channel.
- Claiming to be supportive of queerness while secretly being bigoted.
I once knew a trans woman who would (paraphrased) "only sexually pursue trans men because she was straight, but was too traumatized by cis men in the past to want to pursue them." What that boils down to is: "I view trans men differently from cis men- something meek and fuckable that doesn't pose a risk of hurting me." This is behavior showing direct fetishization of trans men, but with language coated in a thin veneer of digestible political correctness.
- Having a self-centered view of reality.
Everything a tenderqueer does or thinks is first filtered through a lens of self examination. If confronted with something their first thought is "How does this relate to me, personally?", "Do I like or dislike this?". If you bring up anything about yourself, they will try to relate to you by sharing something that happened to them, or how they feel about it.
- Radicalized view of online cliques/spaces.
Anything that doesn't align with their feelings or ideology is an immediate threat. It is the 'other' and not to be trusted. The internet gives a false sense that nothing one says or does matters- Anything I say won't have direct repercussions or affect me personally. Tenderqueers are so 'in their own lane' that having a conversation with someone outside of their small social bubble is impossible for them. It immediately devolves into an argument or block. This is in stark contrast to their behavior in real life, where they are forced to adhere to a more strict and non-personalized set of social rules.
This stuff is so common in the online spaces I occupy, including here, that you most likely know at least 10 people who show some of if not all of these traits. Or maybe you show some of them yourself. I could make this list much much longer, but after a while i'd just be treading the same territory so I'll cut myself short for now.
How do you feel about tenderqueer people? Do you self identify as tenderqueer? Personally I have a very negative opinion of tenderqueerness as you can probably already tell.
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