breadstick autopilot

hi. been a while.. 

i started a new job. i work at a stationary cards paper toys candles etc store in manhattan now. it’s one of those things that feels like some sort of really silly twisted turn of events. like yes yes very funny god. 

i’m going back to school in september and redoing my entire second year which i am in no mood to do. i feel like it’s not worth it. but we’ll see.

i had a weird dream last night. i feel like i think this every day. because it’s true. it’s like some fake reality of people you know and knew. it manifests in strange ways.

i had a big stealing problem last year. i was really impulsive. with many things. but i don’t do it anymore. taking medication somehow cleared this. it’s a shame this didn’t happen sooner but what can you do. i’ve realized so many things since i started it. obviously it doesn’t make you perfect or better it just kinda straightens out your brain a little or whatever. 

i have made new friends and also lost some that weren’t friends in the first place. it’s weird having a 2 month friendship. it’s hard to trust these days. it feels like nobody can keep something to themselves. 

what else.. i’m doing okay. i’m more at home these days. i was gonna go to a show tn but i’m really tired..

i love music a lot. the bands doing ok. i really love them though. i try not to think too far ahead. 

i’m glad the weather is getting warmer. i am having pangs of nostalgia for places i thought i didn’t like. but i guess it’s less the place and more the memory. constant cycles of missing memories. there’s nothing in me that wants to relive them. just that i want to add on to them. it is not my choice. but a lot was. so it’s fair.

i really believe all the loss has messed me up pretty bad. mostly because i always want to apologize. the need to do it never goes away. everything is so different. i feel like a whole new person every 6 months. it’s these versions of me stuck in the past that i want to apologize for. but it’s hard when all you have is words. there are also actions, but i think they would put me in a much worse position. there’s no way of knowing really. i feel like the answers i seek might never come to me. it’s hard to say what i’m ‘deserving’ of. maybe nothing. maybe something. maybe everything. but it’s not up to me. it’s up to some kind of secret third thing made up of requitedness. it’s not anyone’s to control. it just is what it is. accepting it is the hard part.

sorry. can’t have therapy again until september. might as well do what i’ve always done.

i am going to go read and sleep maybe. 

here’s a haiku

i think of you lots

like sunset thinks of sunrise

safely out of reach