unsent letter to maria

it's been a while since we last spoke. it's been almost a year, actually.

how are things? how's your sister going? is she doing better in school? she always reminded me so much of you. i hope you love her as much as i love you.

how is playing the drums going? have you found other people to jam with? do they also play bad omens and hozier like we used to?

i saw you got into architecture school. i always knew you'd end up doing what your parents wanted, but i do wish you'd followed through with fashion.

i stayed up last night thinking about you. i couldn't sleep until 8:20 and i saw the sun come out and i heard all the birds wake up. it reminded me of your insomnia episodes, of how you wouldn't sleep until later in the day. i don't know how to feel about that.

do you still listen to the music i showed you? and do you still play the same games and watch the same shows? in my head you became a snapshot once you left. in my head you're still exactly the same as i last remember you. maybe that's a good thing. maybe i'd rather not know if you've changed.

i'm starting to forget what you did to hurt me. that's on par for me, though; they all insist it was bad, and that you shouldn't have done what you did, but i can't remember anymore. but i tend to forget everything that hurt me. the only thing i still have are the good memories. i miss you, but i miss the you in those memories. i wonder if you're the same as i remember you.

sometimes i still dream of passing you again. i dream of seeing you on the street, even though i know youre always travelling now. i dream of seeing you at the skatepark again, even though i know we'll never skate together again. i dream of you reaching out to me. for once in your life, you reaching out to me, instead of the other way around.

i feel like a dog most of the time. i feel like you took me out to a beautiful scenery and gave me a treat, then tied my leash to a tree. but you did it all while saying all the sweetest things. and then you said you loved me, and that you would never hurt me, and that you wanted to be there with me, but you kept taking steps back. and then you got inside the car and left.

and i'm still there. i'm still here, waiting, exactly where you left me. i wonder if you'll come back for me. i wonder if i want you to.

let me know if this letter ever reaches you; i'm going to throw it in the fireplace and maybe you won't see the words but you'll smell the smoke in the air and it will smell faintly of nostalgia and of me. maybe you won't smell it at all.

with love from your brother,

.