anxious ramble.

i dont know how people with anxiety disorders survive... being anxious is genuinely the worst state to be in ever; definitely worse than being depressed. i would not consider myself an anxious person and only really feel anxious when there's something to be anxious about (e.g. a huge life change, indecisive decision making, issues with my relationships, regular stuff) and in what i'd consider to be "healthy" amounts of anxiety. generally i know what it is im anxious about and i have a somewhat levelheadedness about it. 

but i'm currently feeling incredibly anxious right now and i have absolutely no idea why. my theory is that it's because i have been procrastinating researching and figuring out my plan for higher learning, whether that be uni or tafe, and what i'm going to do, if i even go back to uni. i'm quickly running out of time and have already missed some application deadlines and still dont know what i'm fucking doing and i had so much tme to look into it all and i just fucking Didnt!!!!!! and i think when there's something like this that is stressing me out or giving me anxiety, every other little thing starts freaking me out even if it usually wouldnt. my psychiatrist appointment is tomorrow. kneecap is playing a free 30 minute set at fed square tomorrow and i'm stressed out deciding whether i should go or not? like what. obviously i should go. but for some reason i feel like i shouldn't. because i'm anxious. I need a haircut really fucking bad. i don't feel close with anyone in my life. i need to read more books and get smarter. Have i been too ambitious? I am not ambitious enough. the left side of my neck has been hurting a lot recently and i should get it checked out. i am not sleeping well nor enough. I am scared of my dog dying. I need to get my drivers license. my nails need to be trimmed.

and every other tab that has been open running in the background now starts to pop up on the screen and i can't close them or even minimise them! the thoughts that were passively in my mind during transition moments throughout my days (in the shower, on work break, on train, in bed) are now cropping up all at once. when i was in the pits of depression, my mind was mostly blank or just negative and whatever. and i would without a doubt rather go back to that every day than to feel like this every day. i really do commend the strength of anxious people and people with anxiety disorders because everytime i get into an anxious spiral its one of the absolute worst feelings in the world and i think about the people i know and friends i have that feel like this alot and i dont know how they do it.

i like to externalise and apparently have problems intellectulising instead of "feeling" my feelings or whatever, and spilling it all out like this is helping but it only works once and for a short period of time until i come back to reality and remember that i still exist after this moment and i have to live now. which is like totally fucked up. 

to conclude i Do know why im incredibly anxious and its completely justified and completely the consequences of my own actions and although i'm still in trouble i feel better knowing that i know what is wrong. anyway. probs offensive might delete later. in a week when i read this and roll my eyes.