Day 3 of not having feelings for Christy North

Late again. Whoops. Idk what came over me. I'm feeling very eiuuugghh yk. Isn't that interesting. Different gibberish conveying Different feelings. It probably depends on context but also how it would sound like I have someone who I actually haven't spoken to in a while but she would always type like huuurrrgghhfffhmmmn when something bad happened and at first I was like okay stop thirst posting in here, dawg. But when someone goes shehruurhrvrvruehrv that's like laughter? And when it has the ughhhgh that's like pain or misery the fmmmm introduces the element of thirst. Much to think about, no? 

But yeah I'm feeling very yk, idk actually. This is what being assigned male does to a mf. I can't express my emotions properly. We can talk about it later. 

Language - poor day for language. No immersion and i did like two duolingos but like that app started integrating more ads, I swear. I can't do 5 in a row anymore, the ads kill my momentum and I don't remember why I didn't do immersion. If I look at where I placed Spanish on my schedule I should've been able to fit in one immersion video. Oh right! I got so wrapped up in this book video essay. If I ever make YouTube videos I'd just take a book and analyze it yk. Break down all the aspects of it I like or not what I like but what is worth note and how it ties in. Like would yall dig that? I'm not even gonna do it honestly, I'm jyst asking. I'm not ready to show myself on camera like that. 

Reading - I read more Malcolm X. A lot later In the day than usual but I still managed to finish my page count. I could read more but I don't want to. I want to take my time with the book. The part where I'm at is actually really inspiring. Kind of and idk why I find it inspiring. It is a spot where Malcolm was really hurt by someone he admires. His white English teacher says he should think realistically when Malcolm says he wants to he a lawyer and it hurt him that the teacher didn't think he had the same potential as the white students which is actually laughable. I watched an interview of big today. That man is so well spoken, the autobiography made it clear enough but hearing how eloquently he speaks is something else entirely. Anyway I really don't know why I find that so inspiring. Maybe it's because I where he's going to end up. Not really a good analysis today. Maybe tomorrow!

Writing - I really tried to write but I couldn't. I mentioned that I'm feeling very eyegehhheghhhh even my subconscious doesn't know what's happening because I couldn't come up with anything. I've hit a wall. I'll sleep on it and write it some other time. Ugh. I haven't had time to work on my secret project yet. Uhh anyway advice time. Do I have anything? I guess keep trying!!! I want to give up and scrap this damn story that I've been working on but I don't. It's good to write difficult things and lemme tell you, even if for a second you believe that you want to tell this story but you can't find a way to put it into words... then find a way. Easier said than done but inspiration will come to you but while you wait DONT SCRAP YOUR STORY...

Exercise//Health - my oats were so ass today... OHHHH it all makes sense! That's why I feel so weird, I didn't enjoy my oats. I did a small workout too. I forgot to eat my cake... damn. I'm stuffed. I need to stop eating myself stuffed.

Odds and ends - went shopping again because I forgot a few things. I can't think of anything else i did.

Rambling - I'm starting to crave weed again. Yearn... yeah that's why probably. I want to see him again but also I want to dull the senses. Remember the cashier arc? I was doing pot like every day and it felt nice and then I came down and i was so crusty and all my emotions came back and I was just so ugh. Someone also told me like recently that I'm a very emotional person and I hadn't noticed... I thought of myself as someone more stoic for some reason. Stoicism is basically just dulling your emotions too. I like to feel though. It's just sometimes it hurts, okay. I'm being vague here but like yk you ever feel strongly towards someone and it's scary. I don't mean like a crush, it can be I just mean like it's scary to get to know someone and to become closer because you never know if they're really friends or not. Or maybe I'm paranoid. I'm noided. Sometimes I say that shit out loud and I realize I'm just being paranoid. 

I do think that trust is important though! Like I struggle. MAN I STRUGGLE to trust. I trust myself, I don't trust you but I'd put faith in you. Or ig I don't trust but I believe. Idk trust is important in any relationship ever. You need to trust that this person has good intentions, that they value you the same way you value them that they're being genuine and authentic Yada Yada. JPEGMAFIA song. Btw. Are you guys proud of me? I'm in one of my moods and not listening to Ghost Pop Tapes. I'm listening to Diamond Jubilee. Beautiful album. Idk what else i have to say actually I do but Batman couldn't get the rest of this section out of me, dawg. See?? That's what i mean! I can't express my emotions without feeling scared, I'll always be blocked off from being truly authentic. Okay now I actually forgot the rest of it. Eh I'll leave it for another blog, it's a whole topic in and of itself.

Goodnight, Moth Nation!! Have a great Friday! Mothy out