Dating an avoidant attachment aroace girlypop

Welcome to my LENtalk. A Walmart version of a TEDtalk whereas I just rant/talk about stupid things that happened or is happening in my life. 

Come, listen to an adolescent boy going through his stupid life!! woo!!

Also I think I blogged a month ago or something. But hey, here's another one!! (please send help)

Anyway....

So I've been with this girl for six months now? In my head only two months.

I confessed to her with a letter with a secret message. I put the words "I like you" in a slightly different color than the others. It was brown, the other words were just black. She didn't notice it at first until she got home, and then she reread it again.

Few days? weeks? later, I notice her calling me "bf".. w o a h I did not get confirmation about dis.

I asked, "woah what? what dat mean?" cuz she never really said verbally or at least in text that she liked me back, I assumed she didn't notice the message or just didn't like me back.

PLUS! Everyday we just talked like we were casual friends. Like, okay "yay bestie" I guess?

You guys know what an avoidant attachment person is? Here's a definition I found that really suited her: "They are uncomfortable with emotional closeness. Dislike opening up to others and expressing thoughts and feelings. Find it difficult to trust and rely on others. Prefer to maintain boundaries in relationships."(

You could probably do more research though) 

She is exactly that, so, I've never really felt her love and affection. It's always me giving, not taking?

Okay, on valentines she gave me a letter, BUT I feel like she felt obligated to give me a letter.. hmm. She felt obligated to love. To express love.

- (we give letters to each other. she likes literature and probably an angst writer on AO3 or Wattpad. She doesn't tell me cuz she doesn't want to. I don't wanna push her or whatever.)

I feel like she never felt the butterflies I had, the tingles I feel when I remember that SHE is my girl, and the little bursts of energy I feel when I see her.

But hey, ya boy loves a girl like a dog and is stubborn, so I stay.

There was a point (like two points) where she gave obvious signs of breaking up, but when I pulled away she pushed back?

She kept saying: "It's your choice man" (my choice to break up or not)

I told her, "It's our choice. Do you wanna stay or not?" cuz y'know, if you don't wanna stay then I won't push ya. But she said that it's my choice. Again. Well, obviously, if it was my choice, I'm staying, duh, no shit. I love you?? But do you love me back?

Me personally, why you staying with me, if you don't love me? I think she doesn't love me, I don't see it or feel it. Does she care? Her motto in life is legit "Why should I care?"

It just makes me feel like I'm not giving enough, I'm not, uh, good enough. Like she doesn't care about me. She doesn't care about the little things I tell her. Ya get me? 

Also like, why did you accept me as your boyfie if you don't like me? You legit cannot beat the aroace allegations.

I get the feeling that she's a sadist most of the time. Why stay if you don't wanna? I'm not making her stay, am I? I keep saying that she can have a choice to stay or not dawg. I swear, I hope she doesn't turn the story around into me being a "controller" or an abusive boy, cause I am NOT.

PLUS yes, our last fight was my fault, liars always a liar, but I changed. I really did. But until now you still don't trust me? It has been months girl.

She doesn't believe the little stories I tell her. 

back then I was like, "Oh what?? damn. The story I'm telling you is real. awh :("

but now I feel like, "I don't give a double doggystyle damn if you believe me or not. I don't care anymore. It's my story in my real life anyway. Do I really have to prove it? Like she'd care for these shitty stories. Why would she care? Why should I care?"

P a u s e .

I'm turning into her. "I don't care" Oh my God. Am I losing the spark I felt? My energetic ass for everything? Just because of this "sadist" girl?

But I never lost the spark I felt for her. I'm just tired. Or am I? I don't know either.

I don't think she's fit for my love. For any who's love really. Not now, not ever. I think?

And she told me I was toxic.

And she told me I was only infatuated and obsessed with her. Only. Only??

Nuh uh, I would do anything for this girl. I would do your homework even if I was bombarded with shit to do. I would make her a house with my bare hands. I would marry her. Jeez, does she not understand the lengths I would do? For her?

Is what I said a few months ago. And I keep saying that to myself over and over again. 

Funfact: She looks like an asylum patient. She always stares off somewhere in silence. I don't know why I like her. I think I really wanted to help her, love her, or something. But I figured I wasn't the solution. The solution is her, herself.

What I think the reasons why she's not breaking up with me:

1. Maybe she actually loves me? (perchance? please?)

2. Maybe she wanna use me for her grades? (don't think so? you can manage on your own. Of course you can, you're iNdEpEnDeNt and don't want or need anyone's help.) 

3. You like my gifts and money? cause you should. I could spend a lot if I wanted to.

3. Or maybe you're staying 'cause you don't know how to break up with me? (don't think so, you can write a letter about my faults and wrongdoings, all the negative back to back pages that made my eyes go red.)

OR! or, or, stay with me, listen to me, OR MAYBE she's a sadist and wants me to feel like this? a toy for emotions? 

- Okay maybe I'm painting her a bad picture here but that's just what I feel. Okay? okay.

Why do I stay?:

1. I love her a lot.

2. Sadist x masochist core

3. I want to make her feel loved.

4. Refer to no. 2, I wouldn't mind being used if she was faking the affection.

Closing remarks:

Regardless, I don't think we're both ready for love? I mean were quite young, soo.. 

(and both kinda fucked up)

I just hope she and I can become a better person. Whether the solution is breaking up or helping each other. Please God. I really don't wanna lose her. I need my guitarist and girlypop. I still love you girl 

Anyway, that's the end of my LENTALK. Please come to my pool party of tears soon. You're all invited!