Depression

It wasn't until recently that I came to terms with the fact that depression and I have been coexisting for a while. I attributed my sadness to everything but my state of being. I went to doctors to see if there were any chemical imbalances in my blood.. like perhaps a low vitamin D level [which has happened to me in the past] Lo' n behold: hypothyroid, iron deficiency, vit d deficiency all in one, all attributing to my depressed mood. [all these came as after effects of having covid-19, bummer :(]

I treated it. took my thyroid pills, even began working out at my weakest point. I take my supplements. Try to engage in things that make me happy.. only to still be left feeling anhedonic months later.

ADHD they said.  treated it. yet still.  More than executive dysfunction working in me is emotional dysfunction/dysregulation. A chronic dark cloud that I for once, will allow the sun to shine through on. 

I only now realize how strong of an effect carrying the weight of trauma in my life has had. I thought accomplishing my goals [profession, etc.] would grant me peace- yet I'm still here. I carried the weight of sadness since the beginning of my tween years but was able to push through by engaging in behaviors that granted me a temporary happy. I'm almost 25 and I can finally see and understand that the bandaging behavior is not suffice. 

I cannot wait to start therapy and become my best self. I cannot wait until I am able to do the things I truly love and enjoy. I simply just can't wait to live. and I know that this will happen. There is nothing I cannot do, the universe will guide me.. will help me.. will love and protect me. and although human kind may not understand the depth of what goes on in my mind [this often makes me feel more down about myself] - I will continue to press on.