weird dreams [ trigger warning for SA and dismemberment]

okay so again a big big trigger warning for children, sa and dismemberment. VERY explicit 

i don’t know why my brain is so tormented this way, i dont watch true crime, i sleep to calm asmr videos. i am starting to hate going to bed

the dream: 

i was a little girl again, maybe like 14 being sexually abused by a man who kidnapped me weeks before, and every night at 10 pm he would open the door to the room he put me in and take me to his bedroom. the room i stayed in was small, dark, had a radio and posters on the wall. he had raped me a couple of times that week from what my memory is telling me, and he was always rough. he would use both my holes just to make me cry and try to stretch me out. then he brings in a man that i had never met before and he was gentle with me. i felt like i was actually comfortable when he was trying to warm me up first. like i wasn’t about to be raped by a stranger. then after he was done, he penetrated me and didn’t last very long. he finished, then my kidnapper came up behind me and started to do his usual thing but softer. 

i should also mention that he seemed to have other kids there (whom he kept chopping the fingers off of) 

also in this dream there was a guy there who would not respect my boundaries to respect me and i had a meltdown on him

- end -

i don’t want to sleep anymore