I want to talk to you again

my brain stops working when i talk with someone new but i had so much to say. so heres what I wrote about it—

"ukw I've thought about it and it's not like I've "lost my spark", it's just that everyone around me were catching up so fast and i seemed to be the only one left behind, taking longer to solve every problem and everytime i wanted to participate in a contest, I had to be in a stupid ass team with stupid cse people under a stupid teacher I don't even know. and no one around me(AE people) were into these things and i made no friends in cse at all and it just all got so awkward at times. so i decided im not "made" for it.

i do still have some "spark" left though. a friend, who's a big reader, got me to start reading(and writing) recently. I'm not a big reader. yet. but i have a favorite writer already (and i think it's a great thing to know what your favorite-something is). 

don't get me weird. i jus thought my reply that day was too vague(i didn't want to yap but i bet this is even weirder). sometimes my brain subconsciously decides I'm a non-conversational bore and i just stop talking with a passion. thanks for asking tho. it really had me wondering why i had been so lifeless recently." 

and later on I wrote—

"I couldn't sleep last night. i was thinking of what i wrote. i wish i could tell him. but it would be so awkward, he would think i have a crush on him, which i do. i don't want him to know. i wish people accepted people as just human with real feelings and emotions and intelligence. i don't know, as of now, if he's that judgemental, he's a man after all. but also a reader. and i say, to be a reader is to not be judgemental first. but then again he judges people for the books they read, not that i read weird books but even so...

he was looking back at me while i was walking away on the bridge. he deepened his voice while talking to me. and he didn't much look at me. i don't think he likes me though. he probably thinks I'm ugly and boring too, which i am. i don't much care tho. im gatsby, he's my east egg.

i could write a whole book about what im feeling. my heart is fluttering."