Is this how a relationship goes?..

This might be long…

I don’t know if this is how it’s supposed to work, if I’m doing it right, we’ve been together for 6 months,, boy time flew. 

I feel strange at times you know? It feels like… my love is conditional, I feel like the problem constantly, like for example I refuse to believe he’s better than me, and whenever we play competitive games I get genuinely upset if I lose to him, I don’t know why, while on the other hand he always supports me tells me I do good, that I’m amazing awesome yada yada, 

Fuck is wrong with me. He told me he was tired of it tonight and it made him hurt how I’d keep “judging” him and never telling him a “good job at (insert competitive thing here)”.. and I was like “what that’s not true, I don’t hate or bash on u I tell u that stuff” but now I’m thinking if that’s even true cause I can’t even recall anything like that you know? Am I just a bad person? Or do I have bad memory. I asked him for a break. Not a break UP. a break.. you know like an authentic break not a fake breakup or whatever.. because this was on my mind, and I don’t know what to do.. 

lately I’ve ,,, been thinking,, is this how relationships go….?. I recently came upon some people online, it was like a forum where u sent letters anonymously and they’d remain on the main page for anyone to see, and it’d just stay there, for people to say what was unsaid, 

I saw a lot of messages about broken friendships, relationships, regrets, all the while only thing I could think about was… I once felt like this, so deeply, but with my boyfriend? Not so much, I’ve never really.. felt so strongly like bonded with him. 

I love him, I like him, I think he’s beautiful I think he deserves the world I think he should be the happiest to ever be.

Do I get upset imagining him living happily with another girl?…

It’s undecided. I think if he broke up with me I wouldn’t be off too bad. 

But him? His world would be crushed, and that’s not me being self centered like “I’m his whole world his life revolves around me” but oh yes it does cause he reminds me of it every, day.

I once broke up with him due to unrelated issues and he was sobbing begging me everyday on calls and it broke me apart. 

I’m a person who harbors a lot of guilt, knowing I could do that again to that man makes me unable to ever leave him, I would never, I COULD never. I mean how could anyone do something so cruel??..

And so I remain, confused, just trying to do my best, cheering him up on his bad days, simultaneously keeping my horrid personality at bay as best as I can tho it be futile.. I don’t know how to be, how to do, what is right if this is.. how a relationship goes. It’s not like I’m totally immune to him leaving me tho I mean, back when I broke up with him for a very tiny short period, I’d cry whenever I thought about him,, but seriously was not as bad as he took it, I’d just move on with my day and try not to think about it with distractions. But his love was one distractions had no impact on, he’d cry and cry and think about me all day. It’s like.. “why didn’t I feel that bad”

And.. I don’t know. Just don’t know. I really… don’t know. Am I the problem.