i think friendship break-ups are worse than romantic break-ups

i'd want to say i miss you but that feels selfish, and i'd want to say i miss those boston promises and broken clocks and too-high high beams, but that feels wrong. i can't fix things, and i don't think you'd even want me to -- dragging things out isn't right, isn't fair to you. you deserve healing and peace, and i don't think i'll ever exist in a universe where i don't want that for you. i don't think i'll ever think of you and not feel my chest cavity swell with love and guilt; and maybe i love too much. maybe that's my own fault, getting elbows deep for someone only to fuck it all up; to fuck you all up.

i already told them i'm sorry, months ago -- it's not that i don't "deserve" a third chance, it's that i don't wanna put them through one. they don't deserve that. you don't deserve that.

i won't send you this, i won't copy-paste it, and i've already plastered the sentiment, so what's one more? what's more fuel to the fire, more blood pulsed out with the tell-all fact that i bought you a birthday present and you didn't know me well enough anymore to get anything for mine? it was a hoodie for the one you sent last year, and i think we're even now. i'm too full-up on love, and i care too much to feel comfortable opening that door.

i miss you though. i miss you, and i think i probably always will. i have to go.

thank you for caring. happy colonizer thursday. -pbear