Report Blog Entry
this is a really shitty essay. it's mostly venting, but the type i hope makes you think instead of the type that fills you with disgusting, pointless pity
i wonder if most people think on this; i wonder if most people realize that not only is fascism here, has been here, this "here" (the united states, and many other countries) was founded on fascism (colonialism); but when you look to the front lines of the battle between fascism and not - well, i guess second-to-front, as i'm referring to within the imperial core, not in places that are currently subject to colonization - you needn't look to some visibly leftist, lucky group of little rebel stars. in other words, you needn't look to political outliers that are political outliers by choice. instead, look to those who are political outliers by force.
i am meaning to conjure up here stories you might have heard before; the houseless people who seem to not 'want' to be housed, the 'mentally ill' people who don't 'want' treatment, etc. people who are threatened with jail time. or institutionalization, which is effectively the same thing.
ever since i was a child, i have had 'helpers.' people, hired by my parents, whose job it was to enforce certain restrictions, help me out with certain things. this made sense for a disabled child. but i am now a disabled adult - an adult. as i grew up, i've needed less help, but those certain restrictions - what i do with my time, what i eat, what time i put my technology away by - have still been enforced, and it is these restrictions that are still called by the name of help. i do not want this 'help,' which for the people offering it, for the people who maintain that it is my only option for a better life, it means i am a lost cause. it is because i want support and autonomy that i am either a lost cause, or, as my family therapist put it, as the latest of my 'helpers' has put it, resistant. and uniquely stubborn, defensive, over-reactive for no reason. this is especially strange as i came to the program seeking help for the abuse i've been through at the hands of my parents. this is a cycle, though; i've been betrayed so many times by therapists. so many times, they've spun on me. in fact, i can think of something i've been struggling with lately - being late, for the program - that is likely because i've moved back home. i don't know exactly how this correlates, but i sleep more at home, i need to sleep more at home. at the sober living, prior to my flare-up, it was so peaceful - there was no needless, endless criticism, nothing to nega-cope to get away from - and i woke up early. really early. even before the night staff and day staff changed shifts. anyway, i know that my case is not solely unique. one of my friends at the program, he was in danger of going (back) to prison if he didn't get a job before he was ready to. he ended up not being sent back there, thank god, but that showed me, i am being treated relatively leniently, because i am not an addict, because i am (overly) open, and friendly, and because i am too disabled to be seen as violent, aggressive, or high-risk.
anyway, i wonder if most people know how Elon's Nazi salute is not the only place fascism shows up. fascism shows up in how society deals with its problematic. and i am problematic. let me tell you, it's insane thinking i'm so insulated and privileged - and i mean, i am privileged, i'm white - but then i realize that my story is utterly horrifying. i am almost entirely trapped in an existence of dependence & unfreedom, and the harder i try to get out, the more pathologized i become. i shudder to think of what might happen if i am not able to leave for Greece sooner than later
Comments
Displaying 2 of 2 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
Vostok
I said I would read your new blogs and here I am. Man. You know it may or may not be related and possibly I'll delete this comment sometime because it's public for everyone to see and I don't really like that. But thank you for how you speak about these things. I feel a lot of resentment myself over how people approach the topic of help - the judgement and superiority that comes with it. And this vaguely connects to your other blog about addiction. People don't realise how horrible it is to be in a position where you are forced to feel guilty for experiencing life differently. I found myself in a bad predicament today. I wrote a bulletin about it but deleted it because I was quite rudely forced to remember that not everyone thinks like me and you. I sought compassion for something people typically treat with hostility. That is I am facing of an 11 year long criminal record and a giant fine for being a repeat train fare evasion offender. It sounds funny and by itself it is. But that's my career potentially horrifically damaged for a victimless and stupid crime. And a bill I can't afford to pay. But people don't see that. Just that I deserve it. Or that I have anything bad coming to me for thinking 'the rules don't apply'. I'm tired of people adhering to the status quo of everything. Going back directly to your blog, I don't want therapy. I don't want medication. I don't want people sticking their nose im my life. I don't want people who lack the intelligence to think for themselves to push their ideas on me. Ideas that are formed from a fondness for bootlicking. I don't want anyone's misguided pity. But if you say that, then you're impertinent. The rules don't apply to you. You're spoilt. You're ungrateful. You think you're better and above it all. You just want to be oppressed. You want attention. You should face 'the real world'. Well, how about this - I would like to be treated with respect as a whole human, rather than a caricature of someone's own projected insecurities. I think people struggle with how to disconnect themselves from these concepts of 'help' because they are insecure and unsure of themselves, they project onto easy targets. I can see we're both sick of it.
please don't delete this comment, Vostok, i'm going to pin it.
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
Vostok, i'm earnestly so glad you commented with this. it means a lot to me. it kinda re-radicalized me away from really intense self-loathing, a bit. (loathe the concept of victimless fucking 'crimes,' instead, loathe the concept of crime in a world where babies starve needlessly.) you mean a lot to me. i really like your work, and i'm flattered mine resonates with you as much as it does....i don't think you think you're "above it all;" i think you care a lot about the world & about people, and i think you follow the rules, or not 'rules' but social patterns, asks, that don't dehumanize people, the other rules - those that do dehumanize people - shouldn't apply to anyone, anyway. i don't think individual ego is as big of a problem as real, tangible harm. i think that individual ego can lead to tangible harm, but honestly, you could be everything those others think you are and it still wouldn't justify half the shit in this awful, beautiful, broken world.
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
Thanks, it does mean a lot to get a human connection with someone even online. I guess especially online, as it is a lot easier to express things. This world has been built on very stupid foundations. It's difficult trying to 'play the game' when it makes you so pissed off. As in, having to pretend you enjoy being complicit in your own dehumanisation to get anywhere. That's a whole new conversation though haha. Here's to us being social nuisances.
by Vostok; ; Report
hell yeah, dude. hell yeah. god, so much of life is just, "wait, you want me to WHAT? and be proud of it? no thank you, i'd rather be seen as a failure or perhaps resistant & hostile, oh wait, no i wouldn't, but if it's my only option..."
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
also: you and me finding each other online with our shared shitty lives & radical politic: https://www.tumblr.com/crabanarchy/775155703654580224/awwww-cute-the-shelter-staff-said-they-do-this?source=share
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
bartholomew
Dlaczego twierdzisz, że faszyzm to kolonializm, a kolonializm to faszyzm?
ponieważ są one bardzo podobne, a w wielu kontekstach faszyzm jest po prostu tym, jak Europejczycy nazywają sytuację, gdy spotyka ich kolonializm. (reply in Polish brought to you by g**gle translate)
by benny // whalefall; ; Report