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Am I really depressed or did I just get rejected and it made me change my whole mood?

I have a test in two days and I've spent the whole day watching reels, laid on my bed..

I feel rejected </3

Well i kinda have been... I had been making jokes and testing the waters w this guy and he replied something that confirmes that hes not into me..

I already expected it ofc but its sstill kinda sad. Where am I gonna get my self worth from?

Ive been thinking maybe im just like J, I want people to feel bad for me, coddle me, give me attention, but doesnt everyone want that?

I've also lied, not to the degree that he has but I have lied many times just to look good to others... I dont even know who I am anymore.

Lately I feel i need sugar to feel good, to make me snap out of the depressive state I'm in. A soda, or a donut, literally anything. This week I craved something sweet so bad that I made myself a gigantic cup of tea (with sugar ofc) and it was gigantic bc it was in one of those protein shake cups.

Maybe I understand J more than I thought, am I just as bad as him? I keep talking abt him and I feel its getting annoying..

After this rejection the only thoughts in my head after were "who do I go to now?"  Which is kinda fucked bc it seems as though I didnt like this guy, which Im sure I still do but I lose interest very quickly if I'm rejected, maybe I want to be wanted? Or I dont wanna be pushy..

I just feel like sitting down and drowning in a cloud of smoke and come back home to sleep on my bed with my crusty eyeliner still on and be enveloped in the smell of tobacco as my arms and legs sting from having sh'ed (I havent done all this but it really feels ideal rn)

I want to do harmful things to myself when I feel bad to sort of, externalize how I feel inside and make my body look how my mind feels.

Or maybe I just want someone to feel bad for me and give me attention lolz

I hope someday I find someone that understands me.

I have an online friend that ive been with for years now but sometimes I'm the one who doesnt understand her lol, even though Im sure she'd agree with all of this..

Am I just ungreatful? Do i just want someone to feel bad for me and simulteanously want to fuck me? Give me all the self worth I lack?? Think I'm super cool??

Since I was a little girl I'd try to seem cool to strangers, maybe they'd approach me, approve of me, even like me!

And I'm not sure if its because of self esteem or just selfishness, like main character syndrome.

I see this situation with myself as a little kid and J cause he always wanted to seem cool, intelligent, well read, informed and just a nice, respectful guy. He always tried so hard to seem that way and maybe its because he was insecure but was my love and admiration for him not enough?

Maybe he knew I only loved his fake self that he created.

But when I loved him I wanted to see the real him, I tried hard to push away the layers he built, like an onion, but he'd never let me. Maybe he was afraid of his real self being worthless? Would I have loved his real self even more?

This situation makes me want to talk to him. Relate to him. See if this time he'd let me in, knowing that I'm a liar, a cheat and a pretender just like him...

I'm gonna fail my exam so hard...