waaaah

I have a test tomorrow! And I havent studied at all...

And i also have a chemistry one in a few days...

Today i tried smoking! I gave this kid five euros for a pack and smoked two of em right away. Idk if i did it right tho, maybe it was the wind but it was over in a couple minutes! Maybe they were just cheap, the brand was Winston.

I like the taste to some degree and I loove the smell afterwards, though I dont like smelling like cigarrettes, I dont think it matches up with the type of person I am...

I didnt feel soothed after, or during it, but since I spent five euros I might as well finish the pack yk? I jsut have to find a way to not let the smoke touch my hair cuz its so smelly! And I dont want my parents to find out either lolz.

Im still thinking about that guy I want to smash... I want to so badly it makes everything difficult, like concentrating on school stuff!! I still feel like im lying to him tho, I feel I like him... But is that just because he's nice to me?? If i keep lying and he eventually gets a gf or something, would I stop talking to him??? Feelings get in the way of everything!!!

I value our friendship too much to risk telling him and him not being ok with it, fuck, I just wanna talk and hang out w him forever!!! But i also wanna fuk him!!!

If he started flirting w someone or got a gf I think I'd be jealous... I wanna be the one to take his V card!!! (But im pretty sure that wont happen)

If he does get a girl and I start being distant would he feel bad? Like ive been lying to him this whole time? But he'd feel like that regardless of when I tell him how i feel.

Maybe I've gone too far with these feelings, maybe I just want someone to like to distract me from the real objective: Loving myself and getting better.

I just want him to come save me like a superhero and tell me what to do and that everything will be ok, just treat me as good as I've treated the person who I loved the most!!!

My biggest wish would be that he felt the same and just doesnt wanna say anything either, or that he eventually feels  the same... But there's been indicators that thats nowhere near close to the truth...

SUCH A SHAME!!