the year of my life

every year starts with some sense of hope. hope for the better, for the change, for happiness. we all hope (for it) to be better. the new year. (and us)

i started my year like this. or someone would think so. because i didnt. indeed i was hoping or maybe expecting for things to stay the same. there was not sign of them changing. i was going to work. coming home, having a laugh or two, watch the clock, close my eyes to fall sleep, only to wake up to the ringing bell of my alarm. time to wake up.

of course it wasnt always like this. in fact i dont even have a clock on the wall but what im trying to convey is that life felt all the same to me. an endless cycle. a gray colored landscape. my body was expecting to fall, but it seemed like an infinite fall. i knew i was falling but the ground was a very far sight.

this year has been a crazy year for me. i didnt expect anything of what happened to me to happen. from saying goodbye to a brother. to taking responsability of myself. to start supporting my family. to meeting the most wonderfull person i could ever dream of meeting :,( to whom i completely disappointed.

i know you may never see this, but this time i really want to hope for something: and is to become the person you need. im sorry things ended the way they did. im sorry for everything. all things you made me feel and explore were so unique. i think theyll forever be in my mind. i didnt lie when i said you were the only one.. i never experienced anything of what you made me feel. 

i got back into things i thought were off for me: reading, writing, thinking, loving and it all was because of your influence. you really brought the best of me.

i dont want to be ingenuous or naive and think that life will be easy just because of that. life is hard, is really hard.

but what was i expecting if i wanted to get the best of it? to be easy?

nothing worth comes to you easily

next year its not going to be easy, its going to be really hard

and i no longer expect it to be easy.

im going to work my ass off to be closer. closer to the chance of life letting me meet you again