2024 throwback

2024 is finally almost over and I have to tell you about some stuff. I know I havent been the best at being active on this plattform due to all this stress I had (stress of working and doing nothing) but now I think its time to take some time to talk about some things that happened.

Friendship

I have made so many friends this year and lost friends. I had a really close friend, who I met almost everyday from february till the end of august. She was kinda my best friend at the time, but I broke the contact between us. She started to see me as a rival, she had a huge crush on a boy, who became one of my closest friends. The time we were hanging out with him, she changed and she told me later, shortly before I blocked her, that she thought I had a crush on him, even tho I told her months before that I am texting with another boy I really like, but she didnt seem to care about that fact. Anyways, I got close with this boy and my cousin (both are best friends), and I am glad that I can always talk with them about anything, regardless if its a boy I really like or school stress. I didnt tell them about any girls tho (I like girls too yall), but I think they assume that I do like girls, also I dont think its important to tell everyone what or who I like. I didnt tell my "ex best friend" too, she was kinda homophobic and would tell me that she doesnt consider to have queer friends. Anyways, I also got close with a girl from my highschool, but it was kinda weird how close we got in this short time of period (summer). Weve been on the same school for two years and I have never seen her before, not until we got into the same seminar course. I love her so much, she always makes my nails and she is very understanding. I am thankful for the friends I currently have. When I blocked my ex bestfriend, I was happier than ever. She didnt allow me to smoke weed or to drink alcohol when we were together, exept for parties. She didnt want to be sober alone. I can understand her, but it felt like she was my mother, and I dont want to smoke cigarettes with my mother. 

School

I passed my finals for 12th grade, which means I can study in tiny universities and a limited amount of subjects. In germany we call this "Fachabitur". You will need a "Abitur" to be able to visit universities and to study whatever you want - almost. Anyways, yes I passsseddd with an okay grade. Now I am trying to pass my finals but my grades have been very bad due to my mental state - it got worser as school started. I am thinking of quitting and getting into a tiny university next year. I would study something medicine related or whatever. I would actually love to beome an artist or florist or something like that, but I currently live in germany, where we are kinda in a financial crisis right now and I am also thinking about moving away next year - not too far from my locals but still in a bigger city, where I can "express myself", that means where I can be with my roommates and take showers at 3 am and make pasta or pancakes at 4 am. 

Family

I already talked about moving out of here before. It partly makes me sad to leave my family, because originally, I planned to move out at 16 and to visit an art school in a bigger city. My mom talked me out of this idea. I dont regret it, yet I always asked myself, how life would have been if I moved out at 16. Anyways, there is nothing new on my family. We are spending christmas with my brothers girlfriend the first time, yeah thats it actually. 

Love 

Lovelife was kinda crazy for me this year, because the past years Ive been in not any contact with any boys or girls, due to my mental state. I liked some boys mostly, but I wasnt really in love with them, exept one guy. Military guy made me believe that love is real and that we would have a special connection. No literally not. I met him at a birthdayparty of a "friend" of ours, and thats where we started talking. Also dont worry yall, he was only a year older than me. He was pretty, nice, funny, had a lot of tattoos, always sent me funny snaps but dry texting is what left him a negative picture for me personally. Like, it wasnt too dry, but he wasnt the kind of guy to tell you everything over text. he was some sort of bar guy, you sit down and have a beer with and he would tell you how much he loves his job but hates the people there. Yeah, he kinda hated his comrades, but some he loved so it was okay. He took me to a place once, where we smoked a whole pack of cigarettes. I remember the last time when we met, we were at this place - where you could see over the whole city - again, and thats where I thought "he is the guy". Cuddles and doing funny things, naive love. I didnt know that it would be the last time, where I would see him. He is now placed in a barrack some place else (90 kilometres away from home), so seeing him would have gotten harder. I blocked him due to the fact that he didnt really have time to continue to connect and I kinda need some affection, which he stopped showing. I loved him for real, but a relationship couldnt be seen like at first sight. I was blind because of love but I learned through him about so many things. So I kinda hate him now? But really what I hate is that I self-sabotaged and lost a potential good friend. I could have just let my crush I had on him pass away and have a good friend, but that would also feel weird, due to the fact that he wanted to keep being in touch with me and also texted me first. I cant tell yall his intentions, because I dont know what he wanted. Maybe I was naive, maybe he wanted more at first but then lost interest. He kinda weird too. So not a total lost. 

Result

First time being drunk. Fell back into old habits and started smoking weed (again). Dyed my hair red multiple times and now new people dont know how I actually look like (love it). I also got open and get to talk with people easily, even sober. I changed, everyone changed. I like the way I changed. Thankful for this developement. Thankful for all the people that accompany me. Thankzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz