Sorta depressing so, you don't have to read it but if you do, that's your choice

What am I even doing? What do I want? I yearn for socialization yet hide my face at the sight of someone's eyes meeting mine. I want to go outside yet I already have trouble leaving my room. going downstairs is already a chore. Going outside is out of the question. But the thing is being in my room is...indescribable. Not in a good way either. Being in here allows me to be myself and blast music and whatever fucking else but, it makes me feel trapped. So I'm just left feeling frustrated and confused. Where do I go? Physically and socially. 

I'm such a fucking whiny dramatic baby. Coming onto a remake of a website that was made before I was even fucking born and blogging about something no one needs to read. What am I even doing this for?? A rant? A hint of attention? Sure. Both even. But even then I don't know. Rant? Who's going to read this. Attention? I'm not sure I even want anyone to read this. 

In writing this I realise how disconnected I am from myself. I don't know who I am unless I'm asked certain parts of myself. It's not like my answer matters anyway; I won't remember. I grew up developing/teaching myself that everyone knows me better than I do and just-fucking why?? I had no reason to think that. I tried talking to my mum about this but the way she replied made it sound like it wasn't a big deal. Then why the fuck does it feel so...so stressful. Why does this affect me so much? Does it even matter? Am I stressing myself out about this? 

Just like how I replied to any question about myself when I was little;

I don't know.