depression dissociation and 3rd d letter word

I really just don't feel alive most of the time. like I just don't feel like I'm here. is this body. looking through these person's eyes. it doesn't feel like anything is really real. mybrain and my body are on different planes. like dimensional planes. like my mind or whatever is in space while my body is experiencing earth. but it doesn't feel like anything to me because im not experiencing the same this my body is. I am not HERE. 

this feeling has been showing up more and more. I've mentioned it like a bajillion other blogs at this point. everything is the same and nothing has gotten better. everything has only gotten worse.

why is itso hard to help yourself? 

its so easy to feel bad for other people and think positive things about them. but when its yourself it like

no I don't like you why should I be nice to you? this is all your fault. if it weren't for you I wouldn't be like this!

but I mean its not my fault. maybe in some ways itis. maybe in a lot of ways itis. but its not all my fault. butif feels like its all my fault because I can't fix any of it. whatever is wrong I don't know how to fix it. these damn self help books aren't moving me. I can watch a million motivational videos on yt that won't do jack shit and I know it when I click on them. 

I mean I am just a wreck right now dude. I am alone I am jobless and I am depressed. bbbro.

and I'm gonna feel like such a fucking DUMBASS when I come back to this post and scrub it from this place because I feel stupid writing these. i think people who over share like this online are fucking stupid. but I still do it? it is so weird I really don't get it lol.

I think I've had a bowl of noodles everyday this week, but not today. yet. I'm gonna go for one now. I hate the maruchan noodles in the lil bag thing unless they're like fucking GROSS. I like them slimy and crunchy. just a fucking disgusting pathetic meal. I purposefully put a shit amount of water in the bowl so they don't fully cook and I keep the crunch and when I put that salty ass sauce packet in the mix it becomes a slimy disgusting salty mess. i hate when i make them right. when they are cooked fully,, its just not as good anymore. i used to like them that way but idk recently i had them slimy and under cooked and i ffffuckin loved it. cup noodles tho, I love those and I like to eat them normal and well done lol. theres also these like fuckin DELICIOUS NOODLES THEIR LIKE YAKISOBA OR SOMETHING BRO THEYRE SO GOOD I COULD EAT LIKE 5 OF THOSE IN A DAY. 

okay. well anyways. still single and my ass is still fat.