"should have"'s and ocean waves. - 11/14

     i should've known it was too good to be true when you said you loved me, should've recognized the danger weaved into the very air we breathed when together, the flashing red lights signaling for me to run before it was too late. you covered my eyes with your hands and lead me into the darkness, promising to guide me; all you did was walk me into the ocean, and now im drowning in the very thought of you, the memories we made together, the pain i suffered at your blade.
     i should have run the moment you smiled at me, flashing those teeth so brightly in the sunlight (i should have recognized that they were fangs, inhuman, dangerous). you knew i was hurting, my own deeper-seated wounds in need of healing, and so you stitched them up only to rip them right back open, leaving bloody and vicious scars in your destructive wake.
     i should have left before i could let you pull me in that night, lips so soft under the moonlight sky, the cool night air in our hair as we clung to each other as if every moment were precious. maybe it was at the time, but now i wish nothing more than to forget.
     I should have let you go the first time, when you told me you simply didn't feel for me anymore, but you had me so tightly wound around your finger already it was impossible to get you off my mind (not that i knew about the nicotine patches you had stuck to me in secret while we were together, i never quite understood how i was feeling so sick and empty after it all). night after night, song after song, cut after cut, tear after tear, scream after scream, nothing seemed to change. it felt as if getting you back was something to be celebrated, was an award won, like a goddess had come down from the skies just to bless me with your presence again. as if i were unworthy of your tainted attention and 'love', as if the thorns coating your skin were made of nothing more than air.
     I should have run when you pulled me down to the docks and pushed me down on the boat, hands pinning mine to the cushions as you stole the breath from my lungs like you needed it to survive. when your lips met my neck, and you had every opportunity to tear my throat out with my teeth, and i froze, knowing one wrong move could mean the worst. when i returned your "gifts", marks on our skin symbolizing your ownership of me, and oh if only i could erase that thought, but that was all you ever wanted, was to own me like i was some sort of animal. i wish you could have seen i was only human too. 

    i should have run before the waves could crash over my head and drag me under
            but you never let me.