venting/ranting/trying to feel my feelings

I am a queer/trans afab person of color in America. That's a very scary thing to be right now. I turned 18 this year, I'm part of the punk subculture and politics have been in my life for a while, I didn't have too many thoughts on voting as I didn't plan to vote (i didn't have any interest in choosing between bad options and it didn't feel like my vote mattered). Until my girlfriend (who's always been very invested in political science and politics) started feeling very anxious about the election, as most of us did, they expressed to me that they wished I had more interest in voting bc it was important that everyone who could vote would vote. I thought about it for a bit, received my mail in ballot, filled it out, and dropped it off. Then a few days later we all saw the projected results, devastated cannot even begin to describe the feelings my friends, partner, and myself felt. I stood up all night dying my hair, anxiously refreshing the results hoping there would be a blue shift. I cried alone in my bed at 4 am, I started mourning the free future we could've had. I never felt so hated by my country. I so badly just wanted to hide from the world. As sad as I was and still am, I am furious more than anything. Not even for myself, for my girlfriend who believes so much in the government and so much in our country. For my trans friends, who will possibly not be able to get access to the healthcare, life saving therapies, and resources they need. My literal best friend who's makeup I did for prom, who I gave a prom dress to bc her parents didn't support her, who texted me later that night thanking me for helping her feel and look like herself for the first time. Furious for my sisters who've had reproductive issues and struggles, my nieces who will have to pick up the pieces when they're my age. I was 10 in 2016 when that god awful orange tyrant was elected; i was 10 and scared for my life, before I knew I was lgbtq+. I'm 18 now and I'm terrified I'll never get to marry the person I love, that I'll have to spend the rest of my life in the closet. I'm scared to wear my battle jacket in public, i fear I'll get attacked or harassed. i'm proud to be who I am, I've always been outspoken and confident in my beliefs. It really sucks feeling like I can't be that anymore without fear I will get attacked for being me. 

All that said, to my trans, queer, bipoc, women friends. Stay safe, stay alive, and don't let yourselves be oppressed. Revolutions and change happened from being loud and proud. Find your safe spaces, safe people, and do what you need to to get through this. You're all loved and important. 

I'm hoping the official results will be much less devastating. For everyone, I really hope they are. Thanks for reading if you did <3 Stay safe everyone