what even is the world any more (rant/poem?? or at least it sounds poetic)

idk who to say this to bc im probably gonna get a crying emoji or just some "haha" reaction and its like yeah i don't blame u cus how do u even respond to this like i mean man anyway its not abt that

usually i type more formally with these but im very lazy and i just want to get this out and hope someone will relate, at least someone. because i honestly feel like im in a pool, under water one of those pools with the lights under it but its like nobodys there even though the lights are on. idk i can freakinf swim. (just like my son monkey d luffy !!) sorry anyway,, im genuinely worried for my future bc its like idek what the hell i wanna do like i KNOW i have time but it feels so like quick. everyone's telling me stuff I've heard hundreds of times and like yeah it doesn't bother me that much because like i said I KNOW i have time it just feels like im running out of time ad im running so quickly to try and catch up but i don't even know what im trying to catch up to? and im out of breath, im learning i CANT do everything i want. i love art its all I've ever known without art im nothing no i don't just mean illustration i mean art as a form i love art i think i am art everything i think every thing i do its some kind of form of art its a warm embrace i never left once i learned about it, i let it consume me.

i say i hate art but that's only because its a passion i think "well what if its just a hobby?" then i shake my head and remember IVE DONE THIS ALL MY LIFE for me to never have left it ONCE even not actively doing anything with it it cant just be a hobby its my love its how im structured. i don't even remember when or how i discovered art its like i just did. music, fashion, writing, illustration, photography, dance, film ANYTHING i let it consume me maybe im not like those who analyze all art they see but its all so beautiful i know it is even if its just some silly thing i still find some joy in it. i don't think the world would be the same without art its everywhere but knowing ill never experience all of those forms makes my heart ache it makes me want to cry and lie on the pool floor. 

im so worried i may not even have a reason to be worried, im so young but i feel so old, am i being dramatic? i want to keep running everything NOW, in this moment is a contradiction i don't want to die i want to LIVE no matter how much i say it I WANT TO LIVE that's why i keep running that's why i don't ever stop i feel like sleeping and waking up until i feel better but i just want to live yes LIVING HURTS BUT im not sure what i would do if i DIDNT experience all of these things yes i feel so lost but I've started to like wandering yes its lonely yes i feel happy sometimes yes i don't always feel like getting up but i want to live im just not sure how to or if i ever will


TLDR; im kinda sad i wont ever get to experience everything i want to in life and im honestly js worried abt my future lol