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Category: Life

Entry #44

went to the oral surgeon today, i want to kill myself really bad now. we go and i take a 3d xray or whatever, they look at the tooth bothering me and it turns out that my wisdom tooth was literally breaking my jaw which is why i was in so much pain. theyre planning on taking me into surgery on october 8th, which is like 2 weeks from now bro. im actually gonna shoot myself in the head. but they cant if my dad doesnt sign it. and my grandma was looking at my xray of my teeth and all the fillings and stuff and she kept saying it was gross and stuff and i just wanted to cry because im so fucking insecure about my teeth and it hurts me every time. then theyre talking about rather i wanna be awake and only get the one hurting pulled or if i wanna be put to sleep and get them all pulled since they have to all be pulled anyway because theyre compacted or whatever the word is. and so im freaking out because i dont want to be put to sleep since thats like one of my biggest fears, but i dont wanna be awake if theyre gonna fucking pull out a god damn bone saw or something and saw my jaw open. and my grandma is all like "you should stay awake ive known 2 people who have been put to sleep and then they never wake up" and my mom and my friend are like "you should be put to sleep theyre gonna pull out the bonesaw on you" and im like fucking shit bro i dont know because the surgeon didnt even say anything about that so im like fuck man im tweaking. and like i dont even have a lot of time to decide so its like what the fuck is my life bruh, not to mention he pointed out my nerve under my wisdom tooth and was saying "erm if that nerve gets damaged then you might suffer from permanent numbness in your tongue and chin" and im like !?!??!?!?!? now im gonna fucking panic more bro, he was trying to reassure me too saying hes never seen it happen and hes done it for 8 years and im like fucking god that doesnt mean i cant be part of the 2%. but then i get home, my grandma calls my dad about what all happened and stuff and telling him that he needs to sign the permission thing to go into surgery since hes my legal guardian. and he was on speaker so i could hear him and he didnt even know that i wasnt doing anything today, so he was confused and then they started fighting about something i didnt really understand, my grandma hangs up and starts crying being all like "if i talked to my parents the way he talks to me i would have been slapped across the face" and like shut the fuck up bro they would have done that even if u didnt yell they abused you. im tired of her yelling at my dad all the time because he doesnt even do anything. then i call my dad to pick me up and he comes in and he says hi and my grandma is still pissed off and hes trying to be nice and then she starts yelling at him and i get stressed out because she starts talking about how my dad isnt a good dad just because im not vaccinated since im homeschooled even though hes the best dad i could ever ask for, and she starts talking about how he should sign the papers to give me over to my grandma and have her be my mom and id literally rather fucking kill myself than live with her for the rest of my fucking life. and she was bringing up when me and my brother got taken by dcfs and put into her care when i was like 8 and he was 14 saying it was the best years of her life having us and i think about those years and i have to say they were the worst years of my fucking life not being able to see my own parents for like a year and only seeing them on weekends. those words opened so many old wounds i didnt even know i had and my dad was angry so they kept fighting and she said the "if i treated my parents" blah blah blah and both me and my dad yelled at her saying that she did hit him because she used to abuse him when he was a kid, and i will never forget the look she gave me when i stood up to her. and my dad hugged me when i was upset while she was walking over and she was like "ugh so you had to beat me to it" and bro WHAT. even my grandpa was upset with her and what she was doing and hes like her number 1 certified dickrider. and she was all like "i bet you hate me now rolland" IVE HATED YOU MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE NOTHING HAS CHANGED. and so shes probably gonna call dcfs on us again so we have to clean the entire house and stuff and its just like why me. im so upset i just want my mom. 


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