if im honest ive always wanted to be more, to have more, to be better and smarter and cooler. it would've been nice if my life wasn't fucked up from the second i turned 11. like its not seriously fucked i just always lacked deeper meaning. i've always been chasing to be funnier but i never will be. i think if i died today i wouldn't be proud. nobody actually loves me and it started when i hated myself. i've always had a problem with mirroring people but then i lost that so now all i have have is brainrot shit. ive always wanted to go to parties, be in drama shit that teenagers do but doesn't everyone. theres so many people like me this means nothing. if i had no personality then being mentally ill was the next best thing. after age 13 i knew i could change my ways i just didnt want to i wanted to wallow in depression so that someone who isnt my family would gaf. but tbh nobody cares. nobody cares. every scar, every time i tried to do 100 cuts in under a minute it meant nothing. yeah the main reason was because i was brainwashed by twitter but the next was so i could have someone see the cuts and care about me. i was screaming for someones affection so the best thing to happen to me was her. waking up everyday had meaning when i could see her. and then she left so what happens when you take away someones reason for living and put them in a hospital and then the countryside up till today. fucks you up good. ive always had attachment problems. i get depressed thinking about everyone i let float away like we were never friends. at one point or another these people were the only thing i thought about and now i just let them drift. im not the one with trauma but ive always felt empty and suicidal. im not even struggling. everythings handed to me on a silver platter. my looks arent bad my grades are good i have friends and a somewhat distinguishable personality so at the end of the day if someone told me its ok to be mad about my life just stop lying to me. i live in a first world country like this isnt a difficult life. my parents were rght i am a bit of a brat. ungrateful.all you can do is cry about it or listen to music or kill yourself ooooooor ithe best option.....get over it. because once again nobody new loves me no bitches no boyfriend sighh. nobody to go out at night with or have a sleepoiver with and poiur my heart out. like i have her but we've never been venting type friends.whatever ill try and overdose on sleeping pills tommorrow. or have my last cigarette. this is way better than twitter. maybe this is what i was destined for. fuck my life.

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Payton
youre not alone, so please dont do anything rash. is it okay if i pm you?
im ok i wont commit suicide lmao
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