Declan

I've been wondering lately, who am I? Beyond basics, who am I as a person? I'm Declan. That's who I am. But who is Declan? "Declan is ugly" "Declan is problematic" "Declan is fat" "Declan should kill himself" but I'M Declan. I am not ugly, I am not problematic, I am not fat, I should not kill myself. Maybe the more I tell myself that, the more likely I will believe it. My past will not define me. My mother always tells me I have her rebelliousness. Am I a rebel? I crave freedom more than anything. I just love being alone in nature. I can't wait to get my license. I'd go everywhere. It'd be me and my car against the world. I want to live the American Dream. But in my way. I've always dreamed of being a singer, possibly in a band. I adore Les Paul guitars. I love their sound. And I'm told I have a good voice, and upon a series of terrible events, I can tell my story through songs. And that would be my plan. One of the things I know about myself, is I'm a giver. I'm always going to be one, always going to be the people pleaser. And I know I'm not good at it. But I try, because I want to be liked, and I feel if I please people they will like me. (No homo) but I fuck up a lot. And people constantly bring it up. I'm sick of that. Like I fucked up I know that but Jesus, can't a boy just do the best he can? It's never enough. Who am I spiritually? I always knew I had a chameleon soul. I am quick to adapt, I have patience, I can embrace change. Life can throw what it wants at me. Watch me dodge it. But I'm not a runner. I don't run from problems. But I don't make them better, in fact, I make them worse. The only problems I can solve are math problems. And I know I switch up so fast, as I'm doing right now, as I've done this whole time. I can't concentrate on 1 topic. My brain races around, I need to get to any and every point. I hate how I think I'm ugly. My mom is beautiful, and everyone tells me I look just like her. She's got my friends after her, random men after her, even my dad, and they broke up a while ago. About my dad, I also resemble him. We have our struggles, and I can see his anger in me when I get mad. And it terrifies me. I was blessed with my mother's glamor, and my father's rage. Is it a curse? Or a calling? My rage causes me to break things and hurt myself and hurt others verbally. But then people know not to argue with me because in the end they will get hurt. I guess I was blessed with beauty and rage. So, who am I? I am Declan, I have a chameleon soul, I am blessed with beauty and rage, I crave freedom and the American dream, I am a rebel, I am a son, I am imperfect, I am complicated, but I am me. And I'm okay with that :D