I'm back

• July 19 2024 •

 •12:15 am• 

 sorry to inform all (0) of you but sadly, slenderman did not in fact kidnap, indoctrinate, or kill me. i've just been losing my mind (again) :/

 the mood stabilizers i mention starting on a while back have been making me sleep all day and night and I think I've been in some kind of episode- i usually don't think straight or sleep normally but it's been real bad lately, like psyche ward bad- I haven't gone bc im broke and tbh i tnink being stuck in grippy sock prison would probably just make everything worse. 

 i'm so tired right now, i slept all day Wednesday and woke up at 10 pm, it's past 12 am Friday now and i haven't slept more than a 20-ish minute nap. this past Saturday Sunday and Monday i accidentally ended up taking my meds at the wrong times and forgetting a dose too so that's probably not the best. idrk what's going on with me rn, I genuinely feel like i'm losing my mind- and tomorrow i'm going to my gfs house- this Saturday i'm supposed to meet her bio dad for the first time and the three of us are going fishing- idk how well i'd do with that considering the state i've been in but maybe I can get at least some sleep before then and start feeling better.

 yesterday morning i was so energetic I felt like I could run 50 marathons- I was making plans and taking care of chores and talking to people (which might be normal for most people but is usually a daunting task for me)- i felt happy and generally good for the first time in a really really long time- i ended up hanging out with a friend like all day yapping and having a good time, by the time they left though i felt so exhausted and overwhelmed and i couldn't feel my hands- I ended up passing out in my bed and taking the aforementioned 20-ish minute nap, then i got woken up to eat dinner which was good even though the thought of food has been making me feel physically sick lately,,

 it's 12:36 am now, i've tried to sleep a few times but i can't keep my eyes closed or head quiet,, i'm worried that i won't be able to sleep until tonight or maybe even past that- i used to stay up running on pure adrenaline and manic energy all the time but it's been years since then- i haven't stayed up this long consecutively in idek how long.

 i feel like i might be able to sleep, my vision is getting blurry as i type this and i keep zoning out,,  i know even if i do though it won't be restful,, the bags under my eyes have been getting so bad it almost looks like i have two black eyes- i've been so tired but even when i sleep it doesn't fix anything,, can you get so tired that you can't sleep? that's what this feels like. even when i sleep I wake up feeling exactly the same if not even more tired- it feels like i just time skip and the things around me change but i'm still the same. i'm so sick of this, i want to rest.

 i don't care what it takes i want to wake up feeling less tired for once, i want to feel like it was worth something, not just a waste of time i could've been using to try and get things done. i would give so much just for one truly restful night. i'm so tired.

 i think i've spiraled enough for one entry- i'm going to try to sleep now.

wish me luck.

 xo -ScrCrssdLvr