life and solitude (a yap session/random thoughts)

This website gives me painful nostalgia. It makes me think about MySpace. Similar style and vibe, it's like a remake of the website. But I think nearly everybody already knows that. Thing is, i've never used MySpace before, yet I feel this ache in my heart whenever I think about it. Strange, isn't it? I must have been reincarnated, hah! My old memories are resurfacing.

Right now, i'm feeling a mixture of emotions as i'm typing down my thoughts. They're all over the place; disorganized, just like how a QWERTY keyboard doesn't have the keys arranged in alphabetical order. Boredom and solitude hits harder than it normally does whenever I find myself awake at the early hours of the morning. (It's currently 3AM where i'm from.) My take is that it's mainly due to the fact that most people around me are asleep. Or could it be the darkness aiding in these feelings? I'd say it's perfectly comparable to my emotions right now. -cough- Not to act like i'm poetic...

With the lights off, staring off into the black abyss with only my phone screen softly illuminating my face, not enough to shed light on the still existing darkness in my room. Anxiety eventually rushes in when I stop and think. "Something could be there, wanting to kill me." My instinct is to pull the covers over me. Blankets are omnipotent and indestructible. It's invincible armour; an irrefutable fact. Nothing can touch you when you're under your blanket. (Successfully gaslighted myself into believing this.)

The darkness is very unpredictable, it's unknown. Much like my emotional state. My mind is clouded with a darkness. Comparing it to my room right now, i'd say my mind is more of a Vantablack, absorbing all light and leaving me plagued by my anxiety.

I was born in 2006 and i've never been a social child, all I concerned myself with was finding new reading material, doing quick mental math and riding my bicycle outside. Times were simpler. Or is it an illusion? Do we think that certain points in time were simpler, because our raison d'être was different? It most likely depends on different factors, of course.

Basically, as a child, I didn't have many responsibilities. I can't even think of one, other than the responsibility for my own actions. I can't say the same for my current self. At 18, I can write a book with all the wisdom life has thrusted upon me. Most of my stories I haven't told people. My parents believe I don't know what the real world is like. That might be true in some regards, but do they truly know what the real world is like if they assume i've been untouched by it all along?

To transition to a less grim yapping paragraph, whenever I go online and see posts of people that were posted years ago, noticing their accounts are now inactive.. it just hurts. I don't know them, I have no attachment to them, but it reminds me of just how fleeting everything is. It makes me wonder where they are now, if they're still alive and if they're doing well.

Thinking about how quickly technology developed, it really makes me feel empty inside. My childhood had a certain je ne sais quoi to it, that the modern era lacks. 

When I watch these YouTube videos on commentary channels about "events" — for the lack of a better word — that happened years ago on forums, etc., I feel disconnected from the world. It's like... "wow, all these things happened and I never knew about it" and then my thought process shifts to, "time moved really quickly, perhaps too quickly, I miss the way things were, maybe I wouldn't be sad anymore if I could turn back time".

I'm thinking to myself, why am I being "profound"? It must be the 3AM vibe, it's nearly 4AM, so I might snap out of it soon and look back at this, cringing at myself.