Chapter One: new year's night

⚠️Trigger warning ⚠️ this chapter will mention illegal drug use, so if this is a trigger for you, stop reading.

All the 21 years of my life i spend the new year's night at the beach of my hometown, i hate in there but for new year's was a exeption, it's my favorite holiday because i don't spend with my family, i always was getting wasted with my friends watching the fireworks show at the beach and drinking until morning, seeing the first sunrise of the year is something i do every year, even though i repeated my personal tradicions, this year was completely different from the others, everything felt off, but we found a way to get fun out of it.

Me and my partner where staying at my mom's house for the holiday, we only stayed few days, i don't remember much about this part exept one time i was high on acic and my mom forced me into a unpleasant conversation, i blocked from my memory what it was about i just remember me trying to not let it show my pupils where dilated. 

We got a good acid this time, we took from the city we where living where was so easy to get this kind of stuff in the right places, we also brought a lot of weed to intensify the acid.

I remember only fragments of the night, so I'm trying my best here to put on chronological order to make sense.

A little context about the friends we where hanging, I'll give them fictional names, so there was Carlos, who was a frind of mine sine 2018 and became friends with my partner and our other friends, Alice, who was a girl i liked, we had a friends with benefits kinda of relationship, and the one guy you will read a lot about if you keep reading the next chapters is called Louis, he was a friend of my partner since high school and we became close at one point i dont exactly remember when, the threw of us where best friends we had a lot of fun together, at the time of this chapter of the story, i was secretly in love with him for a long time, me and Loius also had a friends with benefits relationship but it ended because few weeks before this he suddenly and with no warning got into a monogamous relationship with a girl called Sydney and this broke my heart, he kind of ghosted me and only replied to my partner's texts and was acting kind of weird even with him, i got into a very bad depression period and lost another job. But i was too cool to let it show i was hurt, no, i was acting like nothing was wrong, smiling and being friendly with Sydney, i was thinking something like "this girl is nice and she doesn't deserve to be treated badly because i am in love with her boyfriend, and of couse, she doesn't need to know what was going on between us"

Louis was acting so weird the whole time, he have not looked me in the eyes even once, he not even looked in my direction and bealy spoke to me, it felt weird and hurt my feelings because we where super close before he started dating, we texted constantly and always had sex when he saw each other, i felt like we had a true connection, our friendship was very important, Loius once said the three of us where partners in crime inspired by a song with this title by Ocean Alley, a great song that i can't hear anymore without thinking of the pain the end of this friendship caused me in the end of 2020, but we will get there.

The reason he was so out of character was not only because his new girl, but also the cocaine they where doing together, this mix changed him into another person and it hurted my heart seeing him like that, they had a negative aura around them even when they whwre acting happy, something was off and i felt the vibe.

Me and my partner and Alice do not use cocaine so we where feeling kind of excluded from the group, there was more people than i mentioned and they where all drinking a lot and sniffing coke, at some point, me, and Nathaniel (my partner's fictional name) where alone, only drinking water, tripping on acid and smoking weed to amplify the effects.

At one point in the night, right after smoking a joint we walked through the street i grew up, the drugs where hitting me harder than ever that night and i had the most nostalgic and weirdly happy trip, i looked around and i was seeing the buldings like they where 15 years ago, i was perceiving the world through the point of viw of a child, i felt small like a 5 years old, i was holding hands with Nathaniel and he seemed like my big brother, i knew was him, i was seeing him, but i felt like he was my brother not my boyfriend, i was singing, dancing and running around him like a happy child, i felt pure happiness for being there, i felt safe with the presence of my "brother" and this was insanely happy to me because as i told last chapter, i don't remember nothing about my childhood, not a bit, but at that moment, i remembered everything i loved about being a child, no trauma memory came, only happy memories and i was narrating they all to Nathaniel who listened amused and feeling happy for me. 

I wish i could remember with more details but once the acid trip is over there goes the memories and I'll never know what childhood memories i unlocked during that trip, i just bearly remember what happened and i told everything i know.

The night goes on, we meet a group of old frinds and hang with them for a while, my ex boyfriend was there with his current girlfriend, but we didn't speaked, i bealy remember seeing him because there was a lot going on in my high braing, and a lot of other people talking to me, at one point, this felt a lot, i was sick of too many people the sun was almost rising and i needed to see the first sunrise of the years so me Nathaniel and Alice went back to the beach to wait for sun to rise, Alice must have felt weird because she was only drinking and me and Nathaniel where tripping and talking crazy stuff to each other, running and singing around happily, we felt great that night once we where not hanging with Louis and the gang sniffing coke, they had a negative vibe around them and me and Nathaniel are sentitive to energy, even more when we where high and tripping, so the moments i remember most, when was only the two or three of us was a great night.

Plus i was directly avoiding Louis and Sydney because it hurted me so much seeing them together, and seeing him as a totally different person, also acid amplify tour feelings so when i was feeling bad around them i was terrible and doinf my best to not show it to anyone, was hard, no wonder why this part of the night is a blank space in my memory.

When the sun rised, we all hugged and i told them i had great feelings about the years that waa comming, i didn't knew how i was wrong, how everything where going to pretty bad to alwful and terrible trough the year, how i would hit my rock bottom before the year was over, i didn't knew what Coronavirus was going to become, how this was going to change the whole world and how the isolation of living in a place i didn't like and had no friends during the pandemic where going to destroy me little by little, and i didn't knew what yeat was to come between me and Loius, because that was not the end, there's more suffering, doubting and confusing to come between us in 2020.

So if you want to know what comes next, subscribe to this blog, leave me a supportive comment to let me know you're interested in my story, thanks for reading until here, remember to drink water and keep youself away from drugs, i know acid seems nice by what i told but there's more to come and drugs are not nice forever, when they start to suck, they can destroy youself, so be careful.

I want to add a photo of the first sunrise of 2020 but i don't know how so if you want to tell me how in the comments i will be so grateful.