listening 2 car seat headrest

its been a while! my ring finger hurts a lot since they pricked it at the doctor's today. i think im probably lactose intolerant but i hope im not, cause i really love cheese.

i need to stop giving myself a persona, i don't need to do that. i'm fine! and likeable i think. im always performing something for people. its like i dont exist if nobody sees it

i hate dysphoria. it sucks. im making this public so im not just talking to myself but i actually hope nobody reads this lol!! 

i made a bandcamp yesterday even though i don't know how to make music. its called Dogs from Neptune which is sort of stupid but all my favorite bands have stupid names so thats okay. I keep setting up the infrastructure for me to BE SOMETHING and then I never use the roads! im bad at driving (as a metaphor and in real life).

at night sometimes i go and stare at the mirror and i wonder if i actually like my face? i want to go on testosterone but im worried because it's such a big change. but the cool feeling that men in music and movies gives me is real because some people just exist like that. i could feel like that for my whole life! like a character i actually want to be, not my real self. i could be a skinny scruffy man who makes music but they don't exist the way i want too. they're all sexist at least the real life ones. and if i looked and acted like that people would assume i don't like women. and im not gay, so i couldn't be like. special. id be mediocre. id be a sad mediocre man. 

i think id rather be a sad, mediocre man than a sad mediocre woman. even though sad mediocre women are really good friends. would i be forgettable if i was a man? i think i would. i try to forget gender exists, because its just a construct, but i can't. its baked into me. i wish i could just exist unaltered and exactly how i was born, but if i live that way, ill never feel real.

i have an individuality complex, im pretty sure. because sometimes i suffer just to be interesting. i dont need to be interesting anymore, i just need to focus on being happy. i exist on my own, i am my own person. if nobody saw me, i would still be real, because i see me.