i'm tired and afraid of everything

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• Jun 15 2024 •

(tw talk of self offing and meds. also just me being a droning depressive fuck)

 i'm so tired- i'm getting my first actual psyche eval in 3 days which is a good thing i think- i am a bit scared because i feel like diagnosis might just make me feel worse and i might not be able to get the resources i need bc of money and accessibility- i'm scared they might misdiagnose me too. also worried they might give me zombie pills (psyche meds that basically just kill ur personality) 

 i kind of just don't want to go.. it might just be easier to give up and leave before i even go, i've tried before and it didn't work- it almost did but just not quite. i don't even have the things i used last time so i'd have to figure something else out.. idk i have reasons not to but the only reasons i have feel superficial and disconnected from me, i have other people, i have things i enjoy (though not nearly as much as i used to), i have coffee and forest walks and friends and art and music and scary movies- but i don't feel like i have a chance at real life if that makes sense. i can't hold a job or drive or keep interests or relationships (platonic or romantic) and i can't even take care of myself, i feel like life is an uphill battle but i'm on wheels with loose bearings, i have no chance, this world is not built for me already and on top of that it's all getting worse and more difficult, it's not worth it. 

 i feel like nothing is worth it anymore, even if i do get help i'll have to live with the pain and relying on meds and therapy and the people around me, i still won't be able to live like a 'normal' person. i'd still be too physically and mentally disabled to hold a job which is the only thing you can do to have a life in this world, why can't we just live like humans, why do we all have to be pawns in someone's stupid game? this world is fucked up and i'm fucked up but not the way i need to be to get allong in it. 

 i'm just so fucking tired. 

 I'll probably update some time after the psyche eval even though no one is reading these, i'm more likely to if it actually helps. 

 wish me luck. 

xoxo -ScrCrssdLvr

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